How to Make Stuff Happen

Everyone’s got dreams: things that have never been done or that are bigger than what can be done alone. A few notes to make stuff happen:

[1] Be up to something.

Be up to this thing until you have momentum. Momentum is the flywheel of force that makes it easier as time goes on for you to continue contributing to this thing you are up to. Momentum consists of habit and ritual you’ve created which draw you back into taking actions for the same thing. Progress is an evidence of momentum. Being up to something means you have something at stake. You are living for something.

Make Stuff Happen - start by pounding the rock
How to Make Stuff Happen: start by pounding the rock for your own cathedral

[2] Test for traction.

Once you have momentum, share what you are up to with another human being. Traction is momentum that attracts. When people are really up to something, it’s attractive. People will ask questions, dive in, ask for more, make offers in the presence of what’s attractive. If they want more of it, you’ve got traction.

[3] Invite.

Invitations without a background of people getting what you are up to leaves them unable to answer for themselves … “what’s in it for them to be asking me?” People are suspicious. Aren’t you? Invitations made in advance of experiencing momentum, with an absence of attraction, fall flat. People have their own stuff they are up to. Why would they create lifeless busy work for themselves? After people witness you being up to something and experiencing the momentum of it, only then does an invitation to participate stand of shot of landing.

[4] Stay the course.

Regardless of response to invitations, keep going. Making things happen requires not being messed with by responses.

Make Stuff Happen - stay the course
Stay the course.

Other considerations to make stuff happen:

Why invite someone to do something you aren’t up to? If you won’t do it, if you aren’t doing it … why would they?

Often a prerequisite to [2] is Make a connection. Connect with another human being so they can paint a picture of what’s going on in their world; something to which you can relate. Give them a chance to say what they are up to. You may find they are up to nothing. Start with a no-stake, no-demand, no-request contact. When they experience that you are willing to look into their world, they then may be willing to hear you offer something from yours.

By |2021-12-27T13:27:49-07:00October 17th, 2021|Faith, General Life, Marketing|0 Comments
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Ideas for LDS Sacrament Meeting Talks

A friend posted: “I need some good topics for Sunday speakers. Hit me up with topics you have liked or would like to hear about.” Without any hesitation I banged out this list of ideas for LDS sacrament meeting talks.

A few of the immediate reactions:

Reaction to my ideas for LDS sacrament meeting talks

“If I ever write a book, you’re picking the title.”

“Holy cow! Where did all these come from? Seriously the titles alone speak a sermon.”

“Nat holy cow. If you just came up with those that is mind blowing.”

Spice up your Sunday meetings with these starting points off the beaten path.

If you write a sacrament talk or ask someone to speak from one of these titles, send me a copy or comment.

34 Ideas for LDS Sacrament Meeting Talks

When People Don’t Apologize: Forgiving and finding reconciliation with God

Would borrow from Forgiveness + Tribulation, a talk I gave fall 2019.

Honoring Fallen Parents: The Fifth Commandment and Romans 3:23

The Fifth Commandment enjoins: “Honor thy father and thy mother.”

Romans 3:23 says: “For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God.”

How can we, how do we, honor parents … when they have ALL fallen short—at best—and done real harm, at worst?

Mediating Identities: Being an independent agent AND part of a family, part of a ward, part of a Church at the same time

… for there is a God, and he hath created all things … both things to act and things to be acted upon … Wherefore, the Lord God gave unto man that he should act for himself.

2 Nephi 2:14-16

[M]en should be anxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of their own free will … For the power is in them, wherein they are agents unto themselves.

D&C 58:26-27

vs.

And let every man esteem his brother as himself … And again I say unto you, let every man esteem his brother as himself. For what man among you having twelve sons, and is no respecter of them, and they serve him obediently, and he saith unto the one: Be thou clothed in robes and sit thou here; and to the other: Be thou clothed in rags and sit thou there—and looketh upon his sons and saith I am just? Behold, this I have given unto you as a parable, and it is even as I am. I say unto you, be one; and if ye are not one ye are not mine.

D&C 38:24-27

And the glory which thou gavest me I have given them; that they may be one, even as we are one: I in them, and thou in me, that they may be made perfect in one.

John 17:22-23

Forgiving Ourselves: Letting go of shame, expectation, guilt and perfectionism

The Appeal of Hakuna Matata, and Gospel Prompts for Finding + Making Meaning in Shouldering Responsibility

“Time Isn’t Found, It Is Made” — and other pedestrian truisms the gospel turns upside down

I believe “time isn’t found, it is made” is a Henry B Eyring line. Need to verify.

We’re All Wart: How The Sword and the Stone helped me rediscover what it means to be a child of God

There’s so much to unpack from these opening 8 lines.

Heavenly Mother & The Tree of Life: Symbols of Divine Femininity

7 Years of Plenty and 7 Years of Famine: What I am really learning to lay up in store for my family

The Good Samaritan: Seeing myself in every character

I Am Alma Too: Conversations with my present-day children of varying degrees of faith

(I don’t have kids. To someone who does, go for it.)

From Obedience to Integrity: The personal transformation to leader from follower

Skeletons in Our Closet: What to do when family history uncovers unsavory characters

The Prodigal’s Sibling: Learning to love as my father did

Cardinal Truth: Spiritual directions intimated by North, East, South and West

Seeing Thru a Glass Darkly: The beams that got in the way of knowing my parents, siblings and spouse

The Kingdom of God is Within Me … so why do I place so much stock in others’ accusations?

The Tarnished Rule: Consequences of misapplying The Golden Rule, and how I finally buffed out the error

Why Hope When You Can Ask … and Act?

Being Nice and Cowardice: Which, really, am I being?

Being Even As He Is: A Chapter on Courage

Every Day is a New World: Living with Creative Force in Every Moment

Clinging to Dregs: The unseen upside to keeping ourselves dirty and why we make that horrible tradeoff

Embracing Possibility: The absolute terror of becoming the best possible versions of ourselves

Letting Others Grow: The petty ways I’ve kept my friends & family small

No One is Coming: Stand Up and Lead Your Own **** Life

Taking Responsibility: Voluntarily shouldering the burdens of mortality and climbing upward to The City on a Hill

Empty Handed at the Pearly Gates: Coming to grips with my own vapidness from a life of ease

Oh, So You Think YOU Could Be a Prophet?

Admitting Laman and Lemuel are there to Mirror Me

Lehi and Alma: Grace for parents who “failed”

Ether 12:27: Weaknesses and Epic Fails which only now, a decade later, I can appreciate and be grateful for

Leaning on The Atonement to Overcome Humiliation

The Sound of Silence: Answering my own prayers

There you go. What ideas for LDS sacrament meeting talks do you have now?

By |2021-12-22T17:15:01-07:00April 27th, 2021|Faith|5 Comments
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Get a Grip on Your Time and Money (Podcast Bonuses)

Welcome friends and listeners of my time and money episodes on The Wantrepreneur to Entrepreneur Podcast!

Brian is a good friend . . .

Time and Money - Podcast bonuses - Nat Harward and Brian Lofrumento

. . .  but enough of that.

Here are the FREE spreadsheets and tools I talked about.

Make copies and use them to help you create and adopt systems for getting a grip on your time and money.

▶ Ep 171: Time

▶ Ep 173: Money

JUMP TO:

[1] Tracking time

Use the Time Tracker for 3-6 months to establish your baseline for how much work you get done in a month.

After clicking the link to access (below) . . .

Log into Google Docs

Go to File >> Make a copy… (if you try to make a copy when not logged in, it won’t work)

Add your name to the file name

Choose the folder in your Google Drive for where to keep it

Check “Copy comments”

Press “OK”

==> Click Here to access the Time Tracker

Or find a time-tracking app that works for you.

I use Hours TogglTrack.

[2] Forecasting time

After using Time Tracker for 3-6 months to establish your baseline for how much work you get done in a month, have a go at the Time Forecaster.

Same as above, open the file and make yourself a copy

Go to File >> Make a copy…

Add your name to the file name

Choose the folder in your Google Drive for where to keep it

Check “Copy comments”

Press “OK”

Once you have your copy set up, click the down arrow on the “MONTHLY TEMPLATE” tab at the bottom, and select “Duplicate”

Then click the down arrow on the duplicate tab, and click “Rename…”

Change the name to something like “MAR 2018” or “APR18” or “18.05” … and then repeat the process until you have at least 6 months’ of tabs to work with.

==> Click Here to access the Time Forecaster

If you find a slick time forecasting app, tell me about it!

Just leave a comment below and include the name and/or a link.

[3] Tracking revenue

You want to know which people (clients) or items (products) are making you the most money! And … on what kind of schedule. Do this with the Revenue Tracker.

Same process as above to copy and make your own!

The Revenue Tracker complements the Money Tripper (below) with a little more detail on where exactly money is coming from. The Money Tripper is simply for tracking money once it lands. The Revenue Tracker will allow for better sorting and insights on revenue.

SIDEBAR: Yes. Eventually you want to upgrade from measuring just revenue to measuring profitability and margins so you can do the things that make you the most money, even after expenses. If you’re a service provider, straight revenue is a good start and then take that number and divide by hours tracked against it in your Time Tracker to see your real hourly rate by project/client/type of project.

==> Click Here to access the Revenue Tracker

Invoicing systems for getting paid faster (and easier) … hello Bonsai!

I’ve gotten checks in the mail (slow, paper isn’t super secure).

I’ve been paid by PayPal (30 cents + 2.9%).

I’ve been paid by credit card (30 cents + 2.9% or more).

And now my preference is bank transfers/ACH (just $5!).

I use Bonsai, a super awesome platform with several tools for freelancers:

  • proposals
  • contracts
  • invoicing
  • expense tracking
  • and more

Time and Money - get paid faster with Bonsai!

40,000 freelancers around the world use it. I recommend you check it out. Use this link to sign up and get a FREE month.

If your business is product-based or high-frequency in transactions, then you need an e-commerce solution. But if you’re billing monthly, bi-weekly or taking deposits and final project fees for high-ticket items and professional services, this is a great option.

[4] Managing cashflow

Use the Money Tripper to manage cashflow and stop spending money you don’t have or wondering whether you “really can” afford something.

Follow the same instructions above to make a copy for yourself of my Money TripperAfter.

Be sure to check “Copy comments” so you keep the instructions on how to use the sheet!

==> Click Here to access the Money Tripper

A more advanced tool is YNAB (You Need a Budget).

YNAB is designed primarily for personal budgeting, but you can have one budget for business and another for yourself. Just link your business accounts with your Business Budget and your personal accounts with your Personal Budget.

YNAB is built on the same principles the Money Tripper is built on:

  • spend only dollars you actually have and
  • every time you get a dollar, give it a job. Which, naturally is followed by
  • spend dollars only on the job you assigned them to.

Get a free month when you sign up for YNAB with my link.

PS If you haven’t done so already, open separate bank account(s) for your business.

It makes bookkeeping, taxes, and all that so much easier. You just don’t want to waste time muddling through personal expenses to find those that count as business expenses. I use Small Business Bank — no fees, no minimum balance requirements, they have an app for mobile check deposit and of course you get a debit card with your business checking account. To get started, that’s all you need.

Get a grip on your time and money!

Time is the ONE resource you can NEVER get back once you’ve spent it.

And you’ll succeed faster when the way you spend and invest money matches your priorities.

It’s easy for time and money to become “the tails that wag the dog.” But you’re the dog. You’re the boss. Be the boss. Take control.

I’ve shared these tools because they are the methods I followed to take control at a time of my life and business when I had it backwards … when I had lost all the freedom I wanted when I struck out on my own, and had become a prisoner to the business I had made for myself. But as I MADE IT, I could UNMAKE it. And REMAKE it. Which I did. And so have hundreds of entrepreneurs the world over.

So give yourself some grace in whatever has happened up to this point, and try these on (one at a time!) to start the process of remaking your business for the better.

Good luck!

Nat Harward

P.S. I’m here. Leave a comment below or send me a note and I’ll be touch.

By |2021-12-22T14:15:17-07:00February 23rd, 2018|Marketing|1 Comment
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Pound The Rock

Pound the rock.

It’s in the footer of my website.

It’s in my email signature.

It’s the first phrase of three I have littered all over the internet. (The second and third being “Do good” and “Have a great time.”)

It’s the motto Gregg Popovich uses at the San Antonio Spurs. Their fan club is named after it. In fact, I’ve been told, it’s the only quote/motto/words-of-inspiration that appear anywhere inside the Spurs’ facilities.

So what about it? Why pound the rock?

This:

When nothing seems to help, I go and look at a stonecutter hammering away at his rock perhaps a hundred times without as much as a crack showing in it. Yet at the hundred and first blow it will split in two, and I know it was not that blow that did it, but all that had gone before. — Jacob Riis

Pound The Rock - Jacob Riis

We love telling “overnight success” stories.

They aren’t true.

Every “overnight success” story is … just a good story.

A story designed to get us to believe “we too” can be as successful as the “overnight” success.

Well, we can.

But not overnight.

Because they didn’t get there overnight.

These stories, so it seems to me, often are told to sell “the overnight method.”

When we buy that method, we get burned. Expectations fall unfulfilled, and we don’t succeed overnight — because we need to pound the rock:

To pound out our weakness,

To pound in our dedication,

To pound out non-essentials,

To pound in our focus,

To pound out dead weight,

To pound in muscle memory.

The true backstory of every success (“overnight” or not) is years of trial and error . . .

. . . effort on effort, and upset and defeat followed by persistence and consistency … all of which finally yield a win.

I’ve long said the most important attribute for any marketing campaign is consistency. You can blog once a day or once a year. If you stick to your schedule, people will accomodate whatever pattern you establish … if you stick to it. What doesn’t work is rush then stop. Publish then quit. Launch then disappear, only to relaunch with flare and pizzaz in 6 months quickly followed by flame-out, just as before.

And see that all these things are done in wisdom and order; for it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength. And again, it is expedient that he should be diligent, that thereby he might win the prize; therefore, all things must be done in order (Mos 4:27).

This isn’t bad news.

Success isn’t in one-trick ponies or luck-of-the-draw rewards.

Success is in being adept at producing desirable results again and again, at will.

Success is in knowing “the wisdom and the order” of how things work, the present limits of your strength (your lactate threshold, for example).

Yes, part of success is arriving at the destination, a destination — of finishing or winning a race.

But grander elements of success are:

falling in love with getting there

knowing you can get there when you decide you want to

knowing what it takes to get there, how to command the elements and the circumstances to combine and align in getting you there

in other words, knowing how to get there again, on command … without assigning any piece of arrival to luck or chance

experiencing your personal capacity to do work every day, to conquer in the face of resistance, and to survive or even thrive in the face of calamity.

“Pound the rock” is a motto to succeed every day.

Between each sunrise and sunset, put.in.the.work.

99 of 100 blows of the hammer end with the rock uncracked.

In a darker moment, the uncracked rock may seem to laugh or scorn.

“What are you doing? Does your work even count? You’re not strong enough. You have the wrong tools. You can’t do this. You’re not making a difference at all. What a waste. Now this, what you’re doing, this is insanity!! You keep swinging, expecting me to crack. I’ll never crack. The outcome is the same. And always will be. Move on … move on to easier ground.”

It’s tricky.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, seeing no results, and expecting a different outcome.

Yet that definition is insufficient.

There are some tasks that are … a pound-the-rock scenario. A scenario where it just does take 99 repeated blows of no-difference-at-all results, which, when followed by the 100th WHAM! everything changes.

It may seem just one blow counted. One blow must have been different from the others. But no … all 99 changed the structure, strength and integrity of the rock until on the 100th it cracked. All 99 up to that point took mental grit and steadfastness and belief that the work was worth it.

I’m not a “good” runner.

I’m not “gifted” or a “natural.”

I don’t have lean thighs.

My VO2 max, when I’m not fully trained, is super average.

My calves are huge, the extra weight doesn’t help.

My calves also don’t connect high on my leg, so their biomechanical leverage is . . . average.

My knees rotate out and my tibia & fibula bow in to compensate, so some force from every step gets wasted in non-vertical, non-forward vectors.

My early years of swimming made my ankles super flexible, and early years of gymnastics trained them to act like absorbers; but great runners have stiffer ankles, trained to act like springs.

Yet my half marathon times keep coming down:

1:42:09 (7:47/mi) — 2008

1:40:26 (7:40/mi) — 2014

1:28:27 (6:45/mi) — 2015

1:24:35 (6:27/mi) — 2017

Why is that?

Because I pound the rock.

There’s nothing special about me.

Sure, I’m learning better form. As I pound the rock.

Sure, I’m in overall better shape … because I pound the rock.

Sure, I’m more flexible and less prone to injury … because I pound the rock (and rollll out, thanks TriggerPoint!).

Sure, I have better run gear and better workout routines … because I pound the rock.

I just pound the rock.

And anyone can pound the rock.

This much about life seems so simple and clear: when you work hard under the direction of people who understand the mechanics of how things work, you get results.

That’s why I put “Pound the rock” everywhere.

To remind myself of, and to stand for, the ethic of putting in the work.

“In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground” (Gen 3:19).

“Whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap” (Gal 6:7-8).

Mastery thru repetition.

Affinity through consistency.

Results from no work are empty gains.

Dreams with no work are naught but wishes.

Gains from shortcuts are, eternally speaking, hollow.

Unearned upsides can be wonderful blessings and grace from heaven, but if converted in my mind and heart to expectations or views that “I don’t have to work because good things simply come my way” or “I will succeed because I am deserving of success” … those attitudes diminish my soul and others’.

Which brings me to another reminder baked into those three words:

To touch base, to make contact with, The Rock … every day. That rock being the “lowercase” rock of revelation and the “uppercase” Rock of Revelation who is Jesus Christ.

To meekly remember I am able from the gift of choice.

To meekly remember I am forgiven and cleansed from His gift of mercy.

To meekly remember I am empowered beyond my natural strength by His gift of grace.

So . . . I pound the rock.

By |2022-05-22T21:13:56-06:00January 3rd, 2018|Faith, General Life, Marketing, Triathlon|1 Comment
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Metabolizing Anxiety: Highlights from Ask a Mormon Sex Therapist (Ep 20)

If the mere mention of Ask a Mormon Sex Therapist in my bio hasn’t prompted you to listen, maybe these selections on metabolizing anxiety will.

Btw, these interviews are all Q&A based — usually two Qs per episode, this one has three. To get the backdrop on this metabolizing anxiety conversation, jump to the start of the third question and Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife’s answer at @ 22:00.

What follows are loose transcripts from the episode. I cut “you knows,” “I thinks,” and so on, and added content (in parentheses) that I believe accurately connects allusions to previously mentioned ideas so that it’s easier for you to follow the excerpts.

 

@ 34:33 – Giving people space to grow

To tolerate the discomfort of another’s discomfort is part of what it is to actually give people the space that they need to really grow, and to manage your own anxiety.

 

@ 35:59 – Metabolizing Anxiety

If you’re going to actually grow, you have to metabolize more anxiety within yourself and not use the people around you to manage what is your work, or what is your job, or what is your responsibility.

What is of virtue is to take 100% responsibility for exactly what your responsibility is — in a marriage, or in a family, or in any group — and 0% responsibility for what isn’t your responsibility.

That sounds very selfish, but that’s actually one of the most virtuous things you can do: to really do what your job is in any situation.

It also frees up other people to grow in the ways that they need to grow.

When we get in trouble is when we rush in to kind of get anxiety to go down in the moment, but then we stabilize and mature our destructive patterns.

The virtue in creating goodness is tolerating difficulty up front. That’s what sacrifice is: you take your difficulty up front to create something better ultimately.

It’s against our human nature (to do that, to sacrifice, to tolerate difficulty up front) — it’s natural man to not to do it (to avoid difficulty up front, escaping to an easier path). But what creates goodness and godliness is doing that (tolerating difficulty now).

 

@ 40:15 – When’s the time for metabolizing anxiety?

It’s when you’re having a hard conversation, and they’re pushing on those buttons on you that you like to react to, that you get all self-righteous about.

Instead of getting self-righteous and reacting, you calm yourself down and you stay constructive. That’s what I’m talking about in the “real time”: that you don’t (use) your losing strategies, which are the reactive things we do that feel good in the moment but that keep suffering alive.

You have to really track what it is you do (habitually) so that you can push yourself to do the better thing in the face of a lot of pressure to do the thing that’s familiar. (Catching yourself before you do the familiar thing) is what development is all about.

 

@ 42:56 – The effect of metabolizing anxiety

When you step into new action, or action that’s driven by a sense of what you believe is right, even if it’s hard, you literally expand your capacity as a person, and you expand your sense of self.

 

@ 43:52 – Metabolizing anxiety includes not doing the familiar thing to get validation

Many of us prefer to kind of just do and deal with the (familiar) things that (have, in the past, managed to get us) validation from the other person, and so we constrict our relationships (to doing just those things, even if they are losing strategies that perpetuate suffering) to our detriment.

We have to work against that natural-man tendency.

 

Ask A Mormon Sex Therapist is a sub series of the Rational Faiths podcast.

Have a listen.

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Metabolizing Anxiety

Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife

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By |2021-01-15T15:37:22-07:00August 31st, 2017|Faith, General Life|0 Comments
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Dating Feedback: Got Asked for Some and Said This Instead

Recently got a request for dating feedback.

Dating Feedback

A few things before getting to my response . . .

[fusion_builder_container hundred_percent=”yes” overflow=”visible”][fusion_builder_row][fusion_builder_column type=”1_1″ background_position=”left top” background_color=”” border_size=”” border_color=”” border_style=”solid” spacing=”yes” background_image=”” background_repeat=”no-repeat” padding=”” margin_top=”0px” margin_bottom=”0px” class=”” id=”” animation_type=”” animation_speed=”0.3″ animation_direction=”left” hide_on_mobile=”no” center_content=”no” min_height=”none”][1]  I don’t think her request means anything about me, but I think it does mean something extraordinary about her heart, her desire and her humility. Not pathetic at all. All good things that I believe will serve her well generally in life and more specifically in dating and nurturing a relationship.

[2]  Pretty sure this has never happened to me before . . . that a date got vulnerable this way, asking for this sort of response. At least not at this early in the game. The rarity of the event is also worth noting.

[3]  The one and only date we shared was Tue, July 11. About an hour together. More like a casual meeting to determine whether a proper date would follow. Anyway, the math is then that her request came 7 days and a morning later. IMHO, a little long to ask, but that’s OK. No rules on that.

[4]  There was no communication between the end of our date and this message.

 

All right.

 

Why am I sharing the “dating feedback” I texted back?

I believe in sharing stuff that others may find useful.

I believe in writing my own story, including being clear on the ground where I choose to stand.

In November, I shared my first draft of The Pillars of Our Partnership and here’s a where-the-rubber-hits-the-road followup to some elements of that.

And because if I ever have the thought to ask someone after a first date / first meeting for feedback … I’m drawing a line in the sand that I won’t. And if I were to say to you or to my future self,

  • “I want to ask her why she didn’t call back . . . “
  • “I want to know why she blew me off . . . “
  • “I wonder what happened, it seemed to be going so well?!?!”

To all those situations, my present-self response to my future self is:

“Doesn’t matter. Continue the search, my search.”

It’s not that asking for feedback and pursuing learning about myself isn’t valuable. It is. And I would totally ask for feedback after several dates or well into a due diligence process. But I wouldn’t ask right off the bat because that sets up a situation where someone else’s POV and/or values become more important than mine.

Would I ask career advice from a recruiter who declined to grant me a second interview … and that was our only interaction?

Would I ask fruit advice from someone I ran into in the produce section who’s not a store employee and otherwise a perfect stranger?

Would I ask someone swimming in the lane next to me for pointers on my stroke, unless I were well aware of their approach to swimming and their history coaching swimmers?

Would I ask color advice from the paint clerk at Home Depot who hasn’t taken the time to ask many questions about my house/home/style/family?

No. No. No. and No.

In these situations and so many others, the other person has so little information about me and what I value that I would never put them in a position to suggest what I ought to be doing. They might know. They might have amazing advice … but asking for it at this stage is out of order! They don’t know me well enough. I don’t know them well enough. What’s most likely to happen in these scenarios is that I’ll get a summary of their biography, rather than seasoned, tested, sage counsel that is actually useful for me, given my situation and my values.

I recognize that through the voice of anyone the Holy Ghost can whisper important promptings, and I recognize an element of humility is willingness to learn from anyone. That said, I choose my teachers/coaches/mentors with discretion. I don’t spend all my time learning, so when I am learning, I seek learning from people whose lives I wish to follow, whose values align with mine, whose performance is consistent with what I wish to do, and whose followers/students/proteges conduct lives I wish to emulate or who are otherwise people whose company I seek.

So there’s that. I choose my teachers carefully and won’t ever expect someone I barely know to be aware of my values and therefore offer feedback / guidance / advice that works inside my value system.

And then there’s this:

I believe — and I think this is apparent in the dating feedback I gave — is that when I am crystal clear on what I am offering and what I am looking for (before going out to meet people and go on dates), then I don’t need dating feedback after a first date. I know what I want well enough to make a sound decision right away: “this isn’t a match” or “this is worth continuing to pursue.” YES I mean “this” rather than “she.” Why? Because I’m not acquiring a person. I am looking for a person who wants to work at “this” … a relationship. The “this” is the connection.

Also to Note: “this is worth pursuing” simply means I am clear it’s worth going to the next round of due diligence, or “getting to know someone”, or whatever label works for what is next. These are not the same as: “All in! Show me the dotted line, and I’ll sign today.” (When to do that, to formalize an agreement, is an entirely different conversation. This conversation is simply about dating feedback or other feedback being unnecessary at or immediately after initial contact.)

Said another way, I’m telling my future self that if I ever find myself wanting to ask for dating feedback at the early stage of a first date (or professional feedback after a first interview), my present-self suggestion is that doing so is a misdirected use of energy.

Instead of pursuing that angle, what I do and will do instead is use my “why didn’t this go forward?” energy to inquire more about myself and what I want/need/desire/am looking for so that I can make a sound judgment … “wait, what am I looking for? What am I offering? What am I looking for someone else to be offering? How will it be clear to me that that is what they are offering? What will they say? What will they do? How can I tell quickly and rapidly upon meeting someone whether there’s enough potential to pursue, or if it’s best to walk away?”

Enough. To my response.

My “dating feedback”:

Hey [her first name], replying here to your request for feedback. Mad props for your willingness and humility to open the door for it.

I’m hesitant to say much as I believe at the end of the day everyone writes their own book on love. Rather than feedback, I’ll tell you about my approach. I spent a good deal of time investigating what my values are. There are a lot of things I value, but I boiled those to a short list of what’s most important to me. These encompass my beliefs. That’s Part 1.

Part 2: also spent a lot of time considering my strengths. What am I good at. What am I inclined to do first or without thinking about it. What do I like doing. Because I value a relationship type & structure that is complementary in nature (vs reflective in nature — both being good at the same things), I also have a short list of complementary strengths I’m looking for in someone to date. I’m good at XYZ, she’s good at ABC…and together, we cover the whole alphabet. There are some behaviors that I watch and observe for as indicators of the presence of these complementary strengths I am seeking. And I trust my intuition and connection with God to help me see these in others, while also listening and looking for a presence of matching and similar values — AKA life priorities. What does she put first? Of all choices, where in the hierarchy does she place dating & creating her own family? (To me, this is a nuanced difference from participating and contributing to her nuclear family.) Is that position the same as mine?

So … I could tell you what I’m looking for. But it’s personal, and only valuable to me as I did the work to arrive there. Would be up to you to arrive at your own choices and short list. Also, I usually don’t share it as well because I don’t want to introduce observer bias … “I know that I am being watched for particular behaviors and because I know that and want to be seen as having them, I am going to perform them … but because I’m being watched and not necessarily because that’s what I what normally do.” You know?

There’s not a rightness or a wrongness about any of it. This is not a good-person bad-person situation. Or a “I like/ don’t like.” It’s a … “what’s the healthiest and strongest combination?” I’m impressed by the goodness of most people I meet, including you. And … that doesn’t mean that their strengths are a good match *for me*. Where I’m strong … I can help her. Where she’s strong … she can help me. If we’re strong in the same areas, we don’t need each other as much … and then we’re also mutually blind and weak in the same areas.

All I can really suggest with confidence is come up with your list of values for life. And put them in linear order … what’s #1, what’s #2. I max out at 5 right now. Everything else is on a tier below. No ties either, “these are equally important…” And then … think about your strengths. What do you want to contribute to a dating relationship / partnership / marriage … and what kind of strengths in a man would be complimentary to yours? What things would he not be good at (the things you are good at), so you can support him … as he supports you where you aren’t as strong.

Having that stuff crystal clear … what do I value, what are my strengths to offer, what complimentary strengths am I looking for … that’s all been a game changer for me. I meet people and I have a few things to look for rather than a huge picture of everyone else’s advice about what makes a good relationship work. And then I’m really clear and ok walking away from something or being OK if someone is non responsive or not interested. “She’s not what I’m looking for.” “I’m not what she’s looking for.” Or both. This is way more peaceful for me to handle than … “could this have worked?” “What happened?” “Why didn’t this go forward?” Or whatever other wondering thoughts I may have. Which I do have. Like anybody. And then I fall back on … “was she what I was looking for?” Or, “she gets to choose what she’s looking for. And it’s OK if it’s something other than what I’m offering.”

I don’t think I’ve answered your question. But this is what I have confidence in as a worthwhile response.

Fwiw, here is her reply:

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By |2021-01-15T15:37:22-07:00July 26th, 2017|General Life|5 Comments
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Neal A Maxwell: A Complete Chronology of His Talks and Speeches

In mid 2016, I read a book by Neal A Maxwell. Shortly after, I embarked on listening to his entire BYU Speeches archive, in chronological order.

I listened to many of these talks while making the long drive from Salt Lake to Heber City. At the time I was seeing someone who lived in Heber, and each time we made plans to get together I looked forward as much to her company as I did to the drive from my home in Millcreek, up Parley’s Canyon, past Park City and back down into the neighboring valley — my quiet, private time with Neal. The drive being an hour each way, I listened to one talk there and another on the way home.

In 2017, I started listening to the entire archive of his General Conference talks.

His perspectives certainly colored this piece I wrote, where I included just one of his golden nuggets.

I thought I’d put together all the speeches and talks of this man who seemed so well to maintain proper perspective for all life’s experience. For as he once said, “This world is not the one we are preparing for.”

The first book I read was We Will Prove Them Herewith. I think it’s out of print, but you can find it on Amazon.

Will update this with all of his Ensign articles, books, etc. I have a book that isn’t on the Wikipedia books list, so I think it will take some work.

I also recommend his biography, A Disciple’s Life: The Biography of Neal A Maxwell, which I finished fall 2017.

Neal A Maxwell - A Disciple's Life

From the Life of Neal A Maxwell

b. Jul. 6, 1926

1970 – Appointed Commissioner of Church Education

1970 – Feb. 23 – Spiritual Ecology – BYU/CES

1971 – Oct. 23 – Mormon Milieu – BYU/CES

1972 – A Time to Choose – Deseret Book

1972 – Apr. 27 – Freedom: A “Hard Doctrine” – BYU/CES

1974 – Jan. 15 – Family Perspectives – BYU/CES

1974 – Apr. 6 – Called as Assistant to the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

1974 – Apr. – Response to a Call – LDS General Conference

1974 – Sep. 1 – But for a Small Moment – BYU/CES

1974 – Oct. – Why Not Now? – LDS General Conference

1975 – Apr. – The Man of Christ – LDS General Conference

1976 – Jan. 4 – Taking up the Cross – BYU/CES

1976 – Apr. – “Jesus of Nazareth, Savior and King” – LDS General Conference

1976 – Oct. 1 – Called to the Presidency of the First Quorum of the Seventy

1976 – Oct. – Notwithstanding My Weakness – LDS General Conference

1976 – Oct. 26 – Insights from My Life – BYU/CES

1977 – Nov. 8 – All Hell Is Moved – BYU/CES

1978 – Feb. – The Gospel Gives Answers to Life’s Problems – Ensign/Liahona

1978 – Apr. – The Women of God – LDS General Conference

1978 – Oct. 10 – Meeting the Challenges of Today – BYU/CES

1979 – Nov. 27 – Patience – BYU/CES

1980 – Apr. 21 – In This Time of Complexity and Challenge – BYU/CES

1980 – Oct. – The Net Gathers of Every Kind – LDS General Conference

1980 – Oct. 7 – True Believers in Christ – BYU/CES

1981 – Jul. 23 – Called to the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

1981 – Sep. 15 – Grounded, Rooted, Established, and Settled (Ephesians 3:17, 1 Peter 5:10) – BYU/CES

1981 – Oct. – “O, Divine Redeemer” – LDS General Conference

1982 – Apr. – “A Brother Offended” – LDS General Conference

1982 – Sep. 5 – Meekly Drenched in Destiny – BYU/CES

1982 – Oct. – “Be of Good Cheer” – LDS General Conference

1983 – Feb. 18 – Try the Virtue of the Word of God – BYU/CES

1983 – Apr. – “Shine As Lights in the World” – LDS General Conference

1983 – Oct. – Joseph, the Seer – LDS General Conference

1984 – Apr. – The Great Plan of the Eternal God – LDS General Conference

1984 – Oct. – “Out of Obscurity” – LDS General Conference

1984 – Dec. 4 – If Thou Endure Well – BYU/CES

1985 – Mar. 19 – Part of Destiny – BYU-I/CES

1985 – Apr. – “Willing to Submit” – LDS General Conference

1985 – Oct. – Premortality, a Glorious Reality – LDS General Conference

1986 – Feb. 7 – Good and Evil Spoken of Among All People – BYU Management Society

  • Address given at a dinner event of the BYU Management Society, Washington, D.C. Chapter.
  • Only exists as two print copies — no known recording or transcript. Print copies on file at HBLL Special Collections – Americana Collection, BX 8608 .A1 no.2968.

1986 – Mar. 30 – Joseph Smith: “A Choice Seer” – BYU/CES

1986 – Apr. – “Called and Prepared from the Foundation of the World” – LDS General Conference

1986 – Oct. – “God Will Yet Reveal” – LDS General Conference

1986 – Oct. 11 – Great Answers to the Great Question – BYU/CES

1986 – Oct. 21 – “Meek and Lowly” – BYU/CES

1987 – Apr. – “Overcome … Even As I Also Overcame” – LDS General Conference

1987 – Oct. – “Yet Thou Art There” – LDS General Conference

1988 – Apr. – “For I Will Lead You Along” – LDS General Conference

1988 – Oct. – “Answer Me” – LDS General Conference

1989 – Mar. 26 – “A Wonderful Flood of Light” – BYU/CES

1989 – Apr. – Irony: The Crust on the Bread of Adversity – LDS General Conference

1989 – Oct. – “Murmur Not” – LDS General Conference

1990 – Feb. 4 – The Children of Christ – BYU/CES

1990 – Apr. – “Endure It Well” – LDS General Conference

1990 – Oct. – Put Off the Natural Man, and Come Off Conqueror – LDS General Conference

1991 – Mar. 31 – “In Him All Things Hold Together” – BYU/CES

1991 – Apr. – “Lest Ye Be Wearied and Faint in Your Minds” – LDS General Conference

1991 – Sep. 27 – On Consecration, Scholarship, and the Defense of the Kingdom (pp 12-21 in the PDF, printed as pages x-xix) – FARMS

  • The version linked to above is the transcription Daniel C. Peterson published in the Interpreter in 2003. Peterson got the transcription from Matthew Roper, who was present and recorded the speech, and then transcribed it on 5 October 1991, slightly more than a week after the event. As far as anyone knows, that recording (and no others) exist.
  • This speech is more commonly known by the title “Discipleship and Scholarship,” under which it was published in condensed and polished form by BYU Studies in 1992.
  • That he would speak at the FARMS annual banquet in the Wilkinson Student Center at BYU is reported in the Sep 1991 FARMS newsletter, INSIGHTS, page 5.

1991 – Oct. – Repentance – LDS General Conference

1992 – Apr. – “My Servant Joseph” – LDS General Conference

1992 – Aug. 18 – The Inexhaustible Gospel – BYU/CES

1992 – Oct. – “Settle This in Your Hearts” – LDS General Conference

1993 – Apr. – “Behold, the Enemy Is Combined” (D&C 38:12) – LDS General Conference

1993 – Jul. 4 – Provo 1993 Freedom Festival Fireside – BYU/CES

1993 – Aug. 25 – Wisdom and Order – BYU/CES

1993 – Aug. 26 – Out of the Best Faculty – BYU/CES

1993 – Oct. – “From the Beginning” – LDS General Conference

1994 – Mar. 27 – “Called to Serve” – BYU/CES

1994 – Apr. – “Take Especial Care of Your Family” – LDS General Conference

1994 – Oct. – “Brightness of Hope” – LDS General Conference

1995 – Apr. – “Deny Yourselves of All Ungodliness” – LDS General Conference

1995 – Oct. – “Swallowed Up in the Will of the Father” – LDS General Conference

1996 – Jan. 23 – “Brim with Joy” – BYU/CES

1996 – Apr. – “Becometh As a Child” – LDS General Conference

1996 – Oct. – “According to the Desire of [Our] Hearts” – LDS General Conference

1997 – Apr. – “From Whom All Blessings Flow” – LDS General Conference

1997 – Oct. – “Apply the Atoning Blood of Christ” – LDS General Conference

1998 – Jan. 4 – The Pathway of Discipleship – BYU/CES

1998 – Apr. – “Put Your Shoulder to the Wheel” – LDS General Conference

1998 – Oct. – Hope through the Atonement of Jesus Christ – LDS General Conference

1999 – Jan. 12 – Sharing Insights from My Life – BYU/CES

1999 – Apr. – “Repent of [Our] Selfishness” (D&C 56:8) – LDS General Conference

1999 – Oct. – Lessons from Laman and Lemuel – LDS General Conference

2000 – Feb. – Jesus, the Perfect Mentor – BYU/CES

2000 – Apr. – Content with the Things Allotted unto Us – LDS General Conference

2000 – Oct. – The Tugs and Pulls of the World – LDS General Conference

2001 – Apr. – “Plow in Hope” – LDS General Conference

2001 – Oct. – The Seventh Commandment:A Shield – LDS General Conference

2002 – Apr. – Consecrate Thy Performance – LDS General Conference

2002 – Oct. – Encircled in the Arms of His Love – LDS General Conference

2003 – Apr. – Care for the Life of the Soul – LDS General Conference

2003 – Oct. – How Choice a Seer! – LDS General Conference

2004 – Mar. 16 – “Free to Choose” – BYU/CES

2004 – Mar 19 – Blending Research and Revelation – adaptation of remarks made at BYU President’s Leadership Council Meetings

2004 – Apr. – Remember How Merciful the Lord Hath Been – LDS General Conference

d. July 21, 2004

Neal A Maxwell: A Man with Perspective

Sources:

BYU Speeches by Neal A Maxwell

LDS General Conference Archive of Neal A Maxwell

More Interesting Neal A Maxwell Resources:

Maxwell Bibliography. An on-going project by Tyler Snow. Elder Maxwell’s lifetime cited works, grouped into Books, JD, HC and CHC, and then sorted by frequency of citations.

From “A” to “Z”: A is for Alliteration, Z is for Zion. By Don Duncan. 1997. (Working on converting this to a spreadsheet format.)

By |2023-08-15T14:52:00-06:00June 29th, 2017|Faith|71 Comments
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For My Future Mate: The Pillars of Our Partnership

Hey babe,

Been thinking about you.

I don’t know what you’ve been up to, but I’m sure it’s good and I can’t wait to find out. I’ve been working on this thing I’m calling The Pillars of Our Partnership. I’d give anything for a window into your world, if even for only an hour. Here’s a little window into mine.

The other day I was telling Nate, you know, my buddy who started The Loveumentary — the podcast where he’s interviewed hundreds of couples and relationship experts like Gary Chapman who invented the 5 Love Languages — yeah, that guy. I was telling Nate I think he needs an anthem.

Not a song (are all anthems songs?) but like a creed.

(Brian, from Boston, said, “yo! a manifesto!”)

Yes, a manifesto.

A statement of values, the pillars he is gonna preach and that he can build a community around. Something that people listening to Loveumentary episodes, and who might show up to one of his events or a conference or a meetup or join a Loveumentary Facebook group, could all point to as the foundation of what they are working on in their relationships, and a set of ideals they can use when offering support to each other. In Seth Godin language, it’s the “people like us do stuff like this” situation. For Nate, “things like this” hasn’t been codified (yet).

So I suggested he do that.

A few days later I thought, “why wait on Nate? I’ll write my own.”

Before I share what I’ve got, a few obvious things:

[fusion_builder_container hundred_percent=”yes” overflow=”visible”][fusion_builder_row][fusion_builder_column type=”1_1″ background_position=”left top” background_color=”” border_size=”” border_color=”” border_style=”solid” spacing=”yes” background_image=”” background_repeat=”no-repeat” padding=”” margin_top=”0px” margin_bottom=”0px” class=”” id=”” animation_type=”” animation_speed=”0.3″ animation_direction=”left” hide_on_mobile=”no” center_content=”no” min_height=”none”][1] It’s a work in progress.

It’s about partnership, and until you and I actually start working on our partnership, all this counts as preparation.

And preparing for a thing isn’t the same as doing the thing.

[2] Perhaps even more importantly, I can’t even say we’ve come to a “first draft” until you add your say.

What’s below are my words. I know I’ve come a long way in learning and practicing the fundamentals of partnership, so I believe in my contribution, but that’s just it. It’s my contribution and I’m awaiting yours to round out this super rough draft.

I know you’ve got so much to contribute that’s unique and powerful. What you’re doing right now, what you’re learning . . . ah, I can’t even imagine how much awesome you have to contribute. Your perspective will deeply impact my understanding of partnership, as well as my performance of actually being your partner.

[3] These aren’t practices and positions I’ve perfected. I am a work in progress. It’s OK that you are too.

Just as preparing for a thing isn’t the same as doing the thing, knowing enough about something I’m striving for to write a handful of paragraphs about it doesn’t mean I’ve come anywhere near mastering the practice of it. Working with and toward the ideal of these pillars is something we’ll do together. I imagine that even if starting in a “maximally prepared” state (I read all the books! Listened to all the podcasts! Went to ALL the seminars!), actually being in a partnership will be incredibly challenging, shaping, stretching and growth-inducing. (Those are positively sounding words for HARD, incredibly frustrating and at times SUPER challenging.)

So yeah . . . this is my first cut and I eagerly await your input to get us to draft 1.

From there, every year and month and day we’ll get to revise and refine.

Preface

There are a couple life fundamentals that aren’t unique to partnership in my book, but are necessary pillars for living. Those are Choice, Responsibility and Communication.

Choice: people get to choose and we not only tolerate choice, we celebrate and embrace it . . . man, this is the first one and I’ve already re-written it several times. There are SO MANY THINGS that go into what all I mean by “choice” and how important it is. Our words and actions allow for others to choose. Every moment is a surprise because in humility we cannot predict and should not judge what others will do, and even when we do predict and predict correctly, we don’t arrogantly assume our prediction had anything to do with the outcome. Like I said, there’s a lot here. I could really use your help boiling down my thoughts. God’s ultimate gift to us is power to choose; we choose, circumstances and other people don’t choose for us no matter how much it seems the contrary, and we’re responsible for our choices.

Responsibility: directly following choice . . . because people choose, they and they alone are responsible for their choices and the following consequences. If this has a boundary where it’s no longer the case or becomes conditional, I don’t know where that is yet. This makes a lot of people uncomfortable. I feel uncomfortable at times. Especially nowadays when people love to blame life’s circumstances on “the system” or “the man” or some external object. Yikes. Ah . . .  so much to say!

Here’s another thing on my mind in this realm: expectations! Expectations are like choices we try to make for other people. They represent, among many things, made up rules we think everyone knows and has agreed to, even when they haven’t.

Example close to us and what we may face as we date: “If you really wanted to be a good boyfriend, THEN you would _____.” SAYS WHO? I mean, maybe. But is there a DEFINITIVE manual on being a good boyfriend? No! So if you WANT me to ____, ASK me. If you don’t ask . . . I may . . .  but I also may not! It may not be something I’m even thinking about . . . so if you want to be sure it happens, and you’re thinking about it, then ask me! Then I can choose to say Yes or No. And then I’ll be responsible for it, truly, because I have chosen.

Wow, there’s so much in here about boundaries of responsibility to unpack, but for now I’ll say: no circumstance can force choice upon a person, all choices are ours, therefore all results are ours.

OK OK OK some more here too . . . when it comes to development and personal needs, it’s my job to find out what I need to learn, it’s my job to then learn what I need to learn, it’s my job to seek mentors and teachers, it’s my job to learn and develop; it’s my job to be healthy, it’s my job to be fulfilled, it’s my job to discover what I like and what nurtures me and then do the work to obtain those things; it’s my job to ‘discover’ and decide what’s important to me — my values; it’s my job to declare for myself that “I am enough.” It’s no one else’s job to do any of those things for me. The same is true for you. Can I ask for help? Absolutely. I look forward to yours. Can you ask me for help with those things? Absolutely, I want you to.

Communication: pretty inescapable from the above on responsibility. Communication is . . . using words to express yourself as accurately as you can — yourself, meaning mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually; all the aspects of you.

Communication is using the words “will you” for requests (see my unfinished rant on people saying “Do you want to ____?” as an imperative or invitation). In response to people’s requests, communication is using the words “Yes,” “No,” or “No, and here’s my counter offer.” Communication is verbally expressing wants and desires, and then for the ones you want right now actually making the request (Will you…?) beyond the statement of desire.

Communication is transforming all internally held desires/hopes/expectations into words. Communication is not ever putting someone else in a position to mind-read their way to connecting/helping/working with/serving/loving you. Communication is not attempting to mind read, but is instead asking questions to let the person you are interested in hearing from speak the truth from their own mouth rather than getting answers from your imagination.

Communication is knowing you can only hold people to the promises they have actually made with speech and signatures (that sounds like responsibility and choice too).

Communication is acknowledging fulfilled promises and healthy behaviors; I think that’s a not-yet-complete functional definition of gratitude.

Communication is: owning and stating your stake in the ground, what’s important to you, what you value, the thoughts and intents of your heart, and taking the responsibility to let the world know what you’ve chosen in those realms.

See? I need your help here.

What’s missing? And how can it be said better . . . more simply and in fewer words?

 

With all that in the background . . .

Here’s my start at:

The Pillars of Our Partnership

The Pillars of Our Partnership

Not a stock photo — snapped this at Yale. Inside there are memorials for every student who has ever served and died in the U.S. Armed Forces. I was moved.

Why Partnership?

Because we believe that all performance is elevated and enhanced when done with the support of a dedicated partner. Even if the ‘act’ is solo (such as running a race or giving a speech or performing a piece of music) . . . a human preparing/practicing/living/acting without a dedicated partner will always, in the long run, underperform a human acting with the support of a dedicated partner.

What do I mean by dedicated?

Tennis star + coach  >  tennis star + coach(*0)

tennis star + coach + spouse  >  tennis star + coach + spouse(*0)

A coach could be called a partner. But a coach isn’t a dedicated partner. A coach is a partner for the activity they coach. A dedicated partner is a partner for all things.

This ‘math’ is our belief.

And it’s not performance alone that’s elevated and enhanced, but experience too.

Shared sorrow is half sorrow.

Shared joy is double joy.

Remember in Into The Wild when Alex Super Tramp writes “happiness only real when shared”? Yeah. All experience of that sort happens in the space between the Self and another.

And on.

 

The Pillars: Priority, Striving, Belief, Equality, Service, Togetherness, Forgiving, Vulnerability, Unconditionality

Priority: Partnership is a relationship that comes first. When I can respond to several people, I respond to you first. When I choose to allocate my time to several opportunities, I allocate time for us first. Regardless of circumstance or proportion and in all cases of competing choices, consideration goes to our partnership first.

Striving: I am a human. You are a human. I live and act imperfectly. Even when my intent is thoroughly pure, my actions will fall short and be laced with imperfection. The measuring stick, therefore, is not result or absolute ability. What counts is striving, putting forth effort that matches the bounds of present ability, accompanied with a willing heart that were it immortal and perfect would perform perfectly. Jesus asked if anyone had any fishes and loaves. He didn’t complain when the numbers were few. They gave what they had, and He made that work. Likewise, I give what I have and you make that work. You give what you have and I make that work. Together, we give grace to each other for our imperfect humanity.

Belief: Ready for this?

  • I believe in my own goodness. You believe in me believing in my own goodness. I believe in you, believing in me, believing in my own goodness.
  • You believe in your own goodness. I believe in you believing in your own goodness. You believe in me, believing in you, believing in your own goodness.

This is the ever presence and victory of belief (over fear and doubt). We give each other the benefit of the doubt. We assume first and always that the other has and is acting with the best intent — even when it seems and feels there’s ill will or intent to do harm. We assume positive will because we believe in each other’s goodness.

Believing in goodness also means believing you always have something to contribute and teach, while believing the other has something to contribute and teach you. Belief is believing in value.

Belief includes courage, and when I say, “you are enough,” you believe it, you believe that for me it really is enough and because I haven’t said so, I truly am not expecting more.

Equality: I hold myself to the same standards to which I hold you. Every agreement is a two-way street. Everything we ask for is also something we are willing to give. What applies to me, applies just the same to you.

Service . . . and Acceptance of Service: This is a pillar to love AND be loved. It’s not enough to give. Sometimes giving is easy. Service here is also to receive it. Sometimes, it is hard to receive help and support.

I look for ways to serve you, you look for ways to serve me.

You look for ways to ask me to serve you, I look for ways to ask you to serve me.

We both ask for help and support and service from the other. Especially in areas where we know the other may be lacking competence, comfort and confidence.

Because I know you embrace my meager, imperfect offerings of service, I look forward to you asking me to do things I’m no good at doing, but that will make the world of difference for you and for us. This is one way I really show my love and demonstrate Priority. Likewise, I look forward to asking for your help with things I know will be hard for you or that you may not enjoy, but you’ll strive (just as I strive) to serve because you, like me (equality), put us first (priority), being more willing to serve our partnership and be possibly embarrassed or frustrated, than tickle those insecurities and withdraw from growing our union.

Togetherness: We do all things together. See above re: how this holds even for solo performances.

You still have your victories, I still have mine. You are still responsible for your choices, as I am responsible for mine.

And yet we embrace an element of togetherness in all things.

We invite and value and recognize an element of shared victory. Of contributing service that enhanced the outcome. Of a material impact worthy of acknowledgement and commendation.

We don’t have boundaries about “my things” and “your things.” There’s always some shred of sharing and togetherness. If it isn’t obvious, or if it’s tempting to do solo and to push the other away, we resist that urge and look for and invent some way to do all things together.

Why? Because at least tangential involvement is always possible, and because of complementariness: my strengths support your weaknesses, my weaknesses are supported by your strengths. Complementary support IS how we grow together. And that’s what we’re committed to as partners: growing, excelling, experiencing . . . together.

Are we attached at the hip? No. Do we text each other every hour of the day? No. Do we relay every thing that happened to each other every day? No. Must we like the same things? No. Must we always travel together? No. Is asking for space ok? Yes, with a definite time limit of when we’ll reconnect.

All experiences are OPPORTUNITIES to grow individually and they are LEARNING experiences in how to come closer together, more fully knowing each other, operating together and fulfilling … partnership.

Forgiving: I see two kinds here.

One is forgiving in response to misperception: seeing that our experience of hurt follows our mistakingly and temporarily believing the other’s intent was for harm or driven by ill will. To come around and believe there was no ill intent and our hurt was not desired is to forgive. It’s not so much forgiving me as I didn’t intend to harm, but it’s forgiving yourself and our mutual imperfect communication that led to your misunderstanding. This again is a humble acknowledgment and an embrace of our common humanity, and it is where leaning on the Lord is so helpful. I didn’t mean for you to feel hurt. Yet, you felt hurt. It’s OK, because He felt that hurt. He can take the hurt. I didn’t want you to have the hurt. But now you’ve got it. Give it to Him. You can be whole.

The second kind is forgiving in response to actual ill will or intent to harm. I pray these situations between us will be few and far between. Ideally, never. To not include forgiving as a pillar would condition partnership on perfection. Perfection is unattainable in this mortal sphere. The moments we stand on this part of this pillar will hurt the most.

But the Lord has healed me and He has healed you. We can be made whole again and again and again.

Vulnerability: Vulnerability is a particular type of communication. It’s communication where you and I share and express all our thoughts and feelings, even the ugly ones.

There is a boundary here which is “dumping.” That’s vomiting all the nasty, which is sharing all that with no commitment for healing, improvement, forgiveness, etc. That’s not vulnerability. That twisted “vulnerability” is a form of dominating and emotional manipulation.

As Brené Brown says:

“Real authenticity actually requires major self-monitoring and isn’t . . . [communication with] the lack of self-monitoring.”

Healthy vulnerability, what I’m talking about, is that anything could be shared. There’s a willingness to share anything, and what actually gets shared is the complete truth of what’s relevant. (What’s relevant? Hmmmm . . . )

Vulnerability, in both directions is knowing it’s OK to be fully transparent because sometimes thoughts and feelings are just passing by and temporary . . . and hanging on to them and not sharing them has a way of keeping them around longer and allowing them to do more harm. So we share them, to be honest about how we feel and where we’re at in the moment. And (together) we work through them so they soften and then lose their grip.

It’s OK to share because I can stack up what you’re thinking and feeling in the moment as an experience you’re really having and not as something you’re committed to forever. And likewise, you won’t hold anything I ever share over my head, especially the stuff that I’m passing through. How can I say this better? Maybe we can borrow straight up from Neal A. Maxwell and Joseph Smith:

“Our light speeches from time to time, have nothing to do with the fixed principles of our hearts” said Joseph Smith. Should we not distinguish between the utterances of the moment and considered opinions? Do not all of us wish for that same understanding on the part of our friends, hoping they, “with the breath of kindness,” will “blow the chaff away”? (NAM, Mar 1986)

More . . . some of this came out in the section on service: vulnerability is asking for things that seem and feel hard to ask for . . . help where it feels embarrassing you can’t do it alone, desires that seem dark or weird or unconventional, challenges you’d rather me not know that you have.

Vulnerability is sharing the “darkness” within. Our inner demons. Our naughty thoughts. Our carnal natures. We all have light, and darkness. Vulnerability is letting down all propriety in each other’s company. It’s OK to be 100% you, even all the things you’ve ever thought were never OK about yourself.

Everything that’s there is you, and all that makes up the you that you are that I love. Therefore, it’s OK to share.

What else?

Vulnerability is also this: I can be strong for everyone in the world, but you are the one person where it’s OK for me to expose myself completely . . . I don’t always have to be strong for you. I will be strong. I will be strong with you and for you. But in my weakest moments, it’s OK to bare my all and be completely weak and exposed. It’s OK to have moments of powerlessness with you, moments where you have total advantage over me. And it’s OK because you’ll love me still. And I’ll love you still. And you won’t take advantage of me. And I won’t take advantage of you. And we won’t abuse the privilege of seeing the other in our weakest, most exposed positions.

I am a man. I’m supposed to be strong . . . and with you, just you, my partner, it’s OK in those moments if I’m not strong. While I’m strong for everyone else, you are the one person who gets to be strong for me.

Unconditionality: We live and choose and speak and love and act on these pillars. No. Matter. What. Nothing you do earns my fulfillment of my promises. Nothing I do causes me to deserve your fulfillment of your promises. We each, independent of the other, at all times and in all things, choose to strive to fulfill our promise in the partnership.

# # #

Whew.

I have no idea how grand and soul-stretching a journey this is going to be.

If being an entrepreneur has been a rollercoaster, then I imagine we’re in for the face-smashing, extreme-Gs of interstellar space travel. But tell you what, and this is probably obvious, I’m up for it. Not looking for an ordinary-tier partnership. I want and am working and will work for what’s extraordinary.

So, there they are for now: nine Pillars of Our Partnership.

Nine though? Don’t like the number. Would rather there be 8 or 10 or 12. I bet you’ll point out some biggies I left out. We’ll get there.

I’m so . . . just brimming and teeming with anticipation for you and what you’ll add.

When you get this, will you holler?

Onward and upward,

Nat Harward

P.S. also toying with mottos, crests, etc. “Truth and Kindness, in Deed and Word.” <== What do you think? (what led to this: strive to be kind, but never demote the truth. Words are powerful, but greater sermons are preached in action.)

P.P.S. [Nov 15] Had this thought . . . conflict and negotiation gotta go somewhere, right? Are they pillars? I don’t know . . . conflict is inevitable, you and I will never be 100% on the same page and that’s a good thing because it means we’re both continuing to have unique and meaningful contributions. We need each other. And when we’re not on the same exact page, that reality requires negotiation . . . which is communication that gets at how two people who want to choose differently will then choose to choose together . . . ok, so maybe there’s a second tier of pillars, things that combine pillars . . . communication + choice + togetherness ==> conflict; resolving conflict requires negotiation.

P.P.P.S. Guaranteed I will keep thinking of more facets; this chain of post-scripts will prolly get mighty long. Will work in those thoughts with you.

P.S.x4 [Nov 16] The word mindfulness belongs here. It’s laced in throughout already, but is so distinct it deserves to stand on its own, no? Perhaps as a pillar of living and there’s a version of it for partnership.[/fusion_builder_column][/fusion_builder_row][/fusion_builder_container]

By |2021-01-15T15:37:23-07:00November 14th, 2016|Faith, General Life|3 Comments
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Best Morning Routines: How 5 Friends Start Their Days

Is the routine I posted with screenshots of my morning routine app the “Best Morning Routine”?

After my post on my AM/PM routines, bunches of people messaged me:

“I got that morning routine app! I’m doing this!!”

Enthused, I said to myself, “Self! Why not see what they come up with? Maybe their routines will be helpfully ingenious.”

I asked a few friends if they’d be willing to have theirs published in a follow-up post.

They said yes … and here we are.

Their routines don’t disappoint.

Thanks, friends!

(Scroll down to see the best morning routine each of the five have made so far.)

P.S. That post also got the attention of producers at an internet radio station. They invited me in for an interview, and you can now listen the episode online: Start Your Day Strong (12:31).

Back to the question … is my routine the best morning routine? Maybe it is for me, but it’s probably not the best morning routine for you.

The best morning routine is what helps you have your best day, by covering what matters most to you, and that is a set of things you love doing, and that you believe in because you’ve tweaked and tested it yourself.

And now I’m pleased to present …

Routines From Five Super Rad People

hailing from both coasts, the midwest and the mountain west:

Mollie, Nate, Madi, JP and Danny

⇓⇓

Mollie

AM: 46 min // PM: 24 min

New York City
Best Morning Routine - Mollie and Blake
Mollie with her mad genius man and business partner, Blake.
Best Morning Routine - Mollie AM

Pretty simple. Pretty fast.

body = fluids, nutrients and cleaning

mind = meditation

spirit = gratitude

space = bed

What part do I like best?!

She does all that in AIRPLANE mode. NO disruptions! Genius, Mollie. Genius.

Here’s Mollie:

This concept of a morning routine has been evolving for me and has especially shifted now that I’ve taken up 3 new habits:

  1. Vedic meditation
  2. tea (instead of coffee), and
  3. a gratitude list in the AM rather than the PM.

With the Morning Rituals app, I like that it’s dynamic and I was able to update my routine to account for these new habits. And at the exact same time, I’m intent on tweaking until I get to a routine that works effortlessly; one that I know cold that I can do on autopilot.

I’m clear that this level of attention (like the level that this app provides) is the thing that will get me there!

@ Mollie — I’m sure it will!

BONUS: Mollie also shared her evening routine … which ends with putting her phone in Airplane mode (no disruptions while sleeping!). Have a look:

Mollie PM

Thanks again, Mollie!

Mollie runs Lecture Loft, The Nonverbal Group and Beyond Tells out of a sweet loft in the heart of Chelsea in New York City. I’ve hosted consulting workshops and attended parties there. If you need a space for 1-50ish people … or you could use development in your nonverbal communication and poker game … have a look at what she and Blake do.

Nate

AM: 2 hrs 37 min // PM: none

Salt Lake City, Utah
Best Morning Routine - Nate
Nate has interviewed 100+ couples and love experts around the country.
Best Morning Routine - Nate 1
Best Morning Routine - Nate 2

@ Nate — you da man! But seriously tho, that’s a long poop session … good grief.

Here’s Nate:

As I’ve developed a morning routine, I’ve noticed how much more energy and clarity I have during my day.

  • I wake up every morning and the first thing I do (after going to the bathroom) is exercise. I’m the kind of guy who will make ANY excuse not to work out … so I’ve started sleeping in my workout clothes so I have a total of 0 excuses.
  • After going for a run or doing my morning yoga …
  • I eat some food …
  • Do some breathing …
  • And then I allow myself to write without any constraints in my journal. It’s basically a word-vomit session. I just write whatever I’m thinking and feeling at the moment.
  • Then I give commentary on my thoughts and feelings. There are no rules during this writing session. Nothing is bad, nothing is good … it’s just clearing the clutter.
  • Then I do some reading or make myself some lunch (depending on how I’m doing on time) …
  • And take some time to write something more thoughtful.

I’m not perfect with this routine.

It’s still in development.

And during the days that I follow it, I feel like I am living my life instead of letting my life live me.

Nate is the creator of The Loveumentary, a podcast about healthy, long-lasting and wildly loving relationships, and co-founder of Unbox Love, a monthly date-in-a-box service for couples. His TEDx talk: Fight naked! And other epic love strategies (8:19), brought the house down in September 2015. Nate regularly speaks and hosts seminars to help singles and couples learn and improve the skills that build great relationships. And P.S., if you use Workfront to manage projects, jump into the Workfront Customer Success Portal where Nate is your front-line man.

Madi

AM: no app or timer, she just does // PM: none

Salt Lake City, UT
Best Morning Routine - Madi
Madi took her church’s ladies’ bball team to the city championship.

Madi doesn’t use an app. She’s been doing her thang for years and has her routine down.

That’s especially why I asked Madi to share her routine — to show you can use an app but you don’t need one to have a great morning.

Here’s Madi:

I love morning time. I love that it is a refreshing new start every 24 hours.

I wake up between 6:30-7:00 am most mornings. I love how quiet, cleansed, and still my soul feels.

I used to look at social media to help me wake up but I did away with that because it was a waste of time and never added to my morning experience in a good way.

  • I always try to start my day with a prayer. I think about the things I’m grateful for and I think about the things I need to accomplish for the day.
  • Then I hop to my feet and make my bed. I love when things are clean and in place, so I then tidy the rest of my room.
  • I always listen to my scriptures or a talk. Those tend to set the mood for the day. They help me feel happy and hopeful.
  • I love food so I always eat a yummy breakfast. Usually, it’s an egg, toast, and berries or a yogurt, toast, and berries. Food is healing, nourishing, and tastes great.
  • If I’m lucky I get a work out in. I love playing basketball; all that running reduces stress, and I get to be with some of my favorite friends.

All of these things help me have a powerful start to my day.

I feel endowed with a power that is motivating, faithful and happy.  

BOOM.

I love how Madi loves her mornings … didn’t you feel it? She’s smiling. And content. And cheerful. And pleasant. And simple about all this. It’s lovely.

ALSO, I can see that Madi is super clear on why she does each thing she does.

I’m positive that clarity-in-why counts.

I aspire to do my mornings as gracefully as Madi does.

Until then … I’ll lean on the app and it’s OK if you do too.

@ Madi — you’re awesome!

Madi loves basketball and works at Intermountain Health Care. Every Monday, she plans a mean-good activity for everyone at her church to attend for personal and social enrichment.

JP

AM: 2 hrs 19 min // PM: the reverse

Las Vegas (but I’m counting him for the midwest … Cincinnati hometown homeboys what?!)
Best Morning Routine - JP
JP blogs about the LA Kings, travel and Meal Prep Sundays.

JP and I go way back to Sycamore High School, specifically the SHS Marching Band where he was drum major and I was the drumline captain. Good times.

For years, JP’s been inspired by Ben Franklin’s daily outline:

Best Morning Routine - Ben Franklin

Check it out … a full three hour block before starting work!

After my post, JP kicked it up a notch using the app to add a little formality and structure to his routine, a boon considering his travel + startup founder schedule introduces loads of variability into his life.

IMG_6190

I like that he has two reading blocks.

The WSJ gives him access info that stirs and nurtures his business brain.

The second reading block is open to nurture non-business aspects of his brain.

Here’s JP:

It’s been a challenge to maintain any sort of routine given my work starting an airline.

I definitely see the merits and the importance of maintaining any sort of order to help balance out the chaos of entrepreneurship. A good friend from high school, Nat Harward, introduced me to the Morning Routine app, a straightforward tool for timing and managing specific tasks.

My background: I always maintained some sort of informal routine having been inspired by Ben Franklin’s daily outline (see above). It makes sense to maximize production given the limited amount of daylight that was afforded during colonial era. Basically, my routine consisted of waking up, a few light chores, breakfast, fitness and business throughout the day.

While I prided myself in, at least, making a schedule, more often than not leisure crept into my day, which would significantly mitigate productivity.

When I initially deployed the app into my schedule, it was simply to keep track and manage my morning routine. Having been inspired by Nat to read, I built that in along with Yoga. I’m a huge proponent of Yoga since I’m not 18 anymore and my fitness needs have changed the older I get.

So far my routine consists of:

  • Up – Get out of bed, recognize that it’s a new day
  • WSJ – Read the latest articles
  • Read – Any non-business related reading. Currently book written by a local Vegas pastor
  • Make Bed – Still fine tuning this time depending on how stubborn my pup is
  • Yoga – It says 20 minutes but some of the yoga videos I watch on YouTube last up to 30 minutes. This one varies but at least I have it set in the schedule.
  • Active – This could mean walking the dog or going for a run, the time may vary but, again, it’s locked into the schedule.

My night routine is the reverse of this.

Think of it as falling back down into my bed.

The biggest takeaway, for me, is how vital it is to have any sort of routine or set schedule.

More often than not, I had video games or other leisure activities creep into my daily schedule mitigating my overall productivity. In the few stable days I’ve been able to incorporate a routine, I’ve been astronomically productive to the point where I thoroughly enjoyed my downtime in the afternoon leading to the start of my evening routine.

I have plenty of friends who are envious of my zen-like attitude, but it’s not without careful planning. Yoga and being active are definitely main staples of my routine, so at the very least those are non-negotiable.

@ JP — reversing the AM routine as the PM routine is brilliant … falling back down into bed. Great way to think about it! Thanks man, eager to follow the Airline 4.0 story.

JP loves playing ice hockey and rooting for the Bengals and the LA Kings. He faithfully preps a week’s worth of meals on Sundays … except when he’s traveling to build Airline 4.0. Follow his meals and startup progress on Insta.

Danny

AM: 2 hrs // PM: none

Los Angeles
Best Morning Routine - Danny
Long story … but Danny, his lovely wife and I flew a small plane over LA with a former Romanian street car racer as our pilot (that’s the long part of the story). Said he, “99% of airspace is unregulated, so when I got tired of them chasing me in the streets, I took to the air.” True story.

I can’t say enough about Mr. ‘DannyRas.’ I haven’t even read through his routine yet, which I’m about 30 seconds away from pasting into this blog, and I’m giddy to see what he wrote about it.

First up, Danny’s preface:

Ever since I started listening to The Tim Ferriss Show podcast [Nat here, also a fan! I’m not a regular listener but I listen when a title catches my eye … as this one did: The Man Who Studied 1,000 Deaths to Learn How to Live], I’ve been obsessed with morning routines. I’ve tried probably around 20-30 different iterations before finally settling on what I’ve been using of late [[Good on ya! SEE … experiment experiment experiment 🙂 ]]. It’s simple and not particularly flashy, but seeing as I’m really not a morning person at all, I tend to give myself a break.

Danny’s simple, good-enough-for-a-non-morning-person Morning Routine:

Best Morning Routine - Danny 1

Simple indeed.

Here’s Danny (buckle up!):

As a natural night owl, mornings and I have never gotten along.

Mornings don’t like me and I don’t like mornings. If mornings were an animal, they’d be those noisy crickets that sound like they’re right by your ear but you can’t seem to locate the source.

I am not a happy person in the mornings.

In fact, I can be downright angry. Those who know me understand that this is counter to my very nature and disposition at all other hours of the day. I’m a happy guy … after 10AM. Before 10AM, it’s best to stay away. My brain is pretty much useless for a good hour after waking up. Meanwhile, my body is all about retaining its inertia in it’s perfect cocoon. My mind, meanwhile, performs one and only one function at that hour: silence the snooze and justify hitting it just one more time. When it comes to snooze justifications, my brain is straight-up Einsteinian.This is a daily struggle.

As a result, I’ve built my morning routine around three simple concepts:

  1. Activating my body,
  2. Activating my brain and
  3. Feeding my soul.

That’s it.Activate Body: get out of bed, move my body, shower/shave/get dressed, eat breakfast. Activate Brain: listen to podcast or audiobook, eat breakfast, Feed Soul: listen to inspiring audio First thing I do is I physically pry myself away from my covers and into the other room where I, in my catatonic state, attempt to clothe myself in the workout clothes I laid out the night before. This occurs with varying degrees of success. I grab my phone and headphones and turn on some form of inspiring audio, typically a podcast (like Tim Ferriss), an audiobook (currently: The War of Art, by Steven Pressfield [[Nat here … I HIGHLY recommend this book.]) or an inspiring talk (e.g. anything from #ldsconf) and walk out the door. The passive audio consumption begins the brain activation and soul feeding processes.

During my “workout,” I don’t care if I run in record time or leisurely stroll around the neighborhood.

My only goal is to move my body. That’s it. No judgment, no personal records. If I move my body, I succeed. When I get back, I go through the usual shower/shave/get dressed process. Nothing fancy here. If I take a longer shower, it just means I have to get dressed quicker. This is all a continuation of my “activate body” process, but it also helps me take the rest of my morning activities a little more seriously. This is especially important on the days that I’m working from home. Breakfast is either lovingly prepared by my wife or rushingly thrown together by yours truly. The inputs vary with one exception and that is fresh squeezed OJ. One of the perks of living in pricey Orange County is the abundance of cheap, sweet oranges at the local farmers markets. We go through a lot of oranges …

Once my body is awakened, exercised, bathed, clothed and fed, I’m ready to sit down for my communion session.

This is where I come to really feed my soul. I sit down at my desk, say a prayer and make a concerted effort to commune with my Heavenly Father. I just want to talk to him, and try and listen to what He has to tell me. That’s why during my communion session, I tend to focus on reading scripture. That’s where I get a lot of answers. Of all the activities I participate in during my morning routine, I find that this one provides the best ROI for the rest of the day.

After feeding my soul, I review my To-Dos for the day and it’s game on.

Game on!

I’m glad Danny’s ended up being last in order here because I think he’s set up a great pattern that anyone wanting to make or tweak their personal best morning routine can follow.

What parts of myself need waking up or nurturing in the morning?

Danny IDed for himself: body, brain, soul.

When charting your best morning routine, perhaps that’s the best question to start with … it’s not “what ‘should’ I do in the morning?” or “what does everyone else do in the morning that seems trendy and therefore good to do?”

The key questions are something more like, “As I think about what’s most important in life and what I want to accomplish each day, what parts of myself then do I want to take care of? What aspects of myself further my goals, and of those, which need the most support to establish momentum in the morning?”

@ Danny — You’re a rockstar! Way to take your known weaknesses and craft your best morning routine to lovingly work yourself awake each day. Thanks, brah.

Danny is a marketer and responsible for the growth the trampoline park franchise Big Air. He’s also one of the founding contributors of Normons, a blog about how Mormons are actually super normal. He and his wife, Ashley, are working on a forthcoming podcast about shame, conquering it and healing oneself of the impact. I can’t wait. He’s die hard for the Angels, In-n-Out and Twitter. Catch him at @dannyras.

So…..

What do you think? Who’s got the best morning routine?

If you were inspired or got any new ideas on crafting your best morning routine, I’d love to hear about it.

Leave a comment below.

# # #

To the app developers of Morning Routine (formerly Morning Rituals) … the lovely people of Ubicolor:

I got feedback from people that would be better in your hands than mine. Here’s a punchlist of feature requests that came my way:

  • Two modes: morning routine mode and night routine mode
  • Night routine mode: have an alarm that goes off at a set time to support us in starting the routine on time
  • Option for more than 2 modes or routine “lists” … sometimes the Sa/Su routine is different from M-F

Got more feedback? Send it via the comment form at the bottom of Ubicolor’s Press Kit.

To download the app, do that here ($2, no affiliate status; iOS only).

By |2021-02-11T14:11:17-07:00April 28th, 2016|General Life|2 Comments
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Year In Review: 2015

It’s my birthday real soon.

There’s a lot I could say about the past year, and what I’d like to do in this Year In Review is share one theme that impacts everything and then a list of small adjustments that make a huge impact, along with shout outs to the people who hooked me up.

These adjustments are easy to implement, and I believe they follow the 80:20 rule: 20% of decisions account for 80% of the impact.

And before recapping this year … first an unmentioned win from 2014:

Reduce phone notifications as much as possible.

I watched Ryan Seamons of LinkedIn give this talk. (Highly recommend, it’s 14:34.)

Ryan is unmistakably clear: attention is an asset.

And I had cheaply sold my attention to pings that didn’t add value to my life:

  • every email arrival
  • every Facebook notification
  • every Instagram notification
  • and more I don’t even remember now
  • AND the circle indicators of all the apps

Here’s what my phone does now:

  • rings when people call
  • buzzes when I get a text/voicemail to my private #
  • nothing when I get a text/voicemail at my public #
  • nothing when email arrives
  • calendar alerts

I get a few more notifications, such as Delta alerts when I’m traveling. These are highly limited in time and tied to when I know I need the info.

Further, I turned off almost all those pesky red “unread” circles.

Those circles say, “You need to open me!” But the truth is, “I will open you when I need to.”

Reclaiming my attention has been extraordinary.

I imagine my resting heart rate dropped a few clicks.

(Free)

Year In Review: 2015

Theme of the year: Priorities.

  1. Family – dating – marriage
  2. Health: physical, emotional, psychological, spiritual
  3. Financial stability
  4. Physical performance
  5. Career success

Those are my priorities. God is in them all.

During the year, I’ve aligned my life (time, attention, resources, work, environment) with my priorities by:

  • moving out of New York
  • withdrawing from a business club
  • working more deeply with fewer clients
  • drastically cutting travel (Sept 1 and on), including cancelling trip to Australia and not spending the winter in AZ
  • putting podcast on temporary hold
  • moving to Utah (permanent as of Jan 2016)
  • turning down an exciting job offer to be the first Director of Marketing at a company in Manhattan; it would have had me move back to NYC Aug 2016

It’s like I lived as if I were writing my Year In Review every day.

And now … 16 Small Things that Make a Huge Impact:

2-meter Phone Charger via Peter Lombard

Year In Review: 2015 - 2m Apple USB cable

I once made the mistake of buying a HALF-meter charging cable. That size is a joke. On a business trip Peter pulled out a 2m cable. I thought it was cheap aftermarket crap. “Nope, this is genuine Apple.” So much distance. So much convenience.

($29 on Amazon, Apple)

 

The Jackery via Peter Lombard

This wallet-size portable battery packs a punch. It charges my phone 2.5 times and hasn’t lost its power in the year I’ve owned it. It has an LED flashlight built in. And it’s orange.

($30 on Amazon)

The 95 Whitney by Gregory via Josh Wright

Year In Review: 2015 - whitney95

If you wear suits to work this probably isn’t a good plan for your road warrior arsenal; stick with a roller. But if like me you’re typically shod in Rainbows or Sperry’s and sometimes hauling a bike, slinging your clothes on your back is the way to go.

95 means 95 liters and it’s large.

The pack holds my year-round wardrobe and workout gear, sans shoes.

Pro tip: get a plain, massive tote bag (this is the one I got) and slip your pack in when you check it at airports. That’ll save the life of the pack’s straps, buckles and finish.

(The Whitney is out of production, but you can scan Amazon for used deals, or check out Gregory’s new 95-liter pack, the Baltoro. $239-379 on Amazon)

Pro tip part dos: check SierraTradingPost.com, don’t buy it, and wait for them to push discount codes to you via Facebook ads.

Air Bag, Zippsack + Zipptwists by Granite Gear via Josh Wright

Year In Review: 2015 - zipptwists

Companions to the 95 Whitney, these are like portable drawers. They add no volume and insignificant weight, but do add organization and convenience to the max. How many shirts and pants does one need? Only as many as fit in one sack. I love arriving at my destination, sliding the sacks out and putting them immediately into a drawer: and boom, I’m moved in.

Thanks, Josh. You saved me hours this year.

($18 and up on Amazon)

Hang closet items longest to shortest, left to right by Marie Kondo via Eric Brief

Year In Review: 2015 - Clothes Left To Right

Maybe it’s different in societies that read right to left…

But for this American, life happens left to right. And upward lines inspire positivity. This method handles my hitherto unanswered question: what IS the best way to sort my closet? Every item has a place. Every item has a hanger. Unneeded items are no more. Benefit? Pleasantness and time saved.

(Free, pull yourself together and give that little OCD gremlin a stroke)

Where does this tip come from? A little book that, as the title promises, will change your life: The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up.

($9.99 on Amazon)

 

Intermission from ‘Year in Review: 2015’ to praise …

Year In Review: 2015 - Deep Fried Pizza

My friend Jimmy “The Dude” Fahey

… who introduced me to deep-fried pizza on the Venice Beach Boardwalk.

About Jimmy: He’s a legit studio engineer.

We started a podcast production business together too.

These Small Things come from The Dude:

Live Music

It’s good for my soul. Whether I hate the show or love it, I watch people perform. They’re the ones with the guts to get up there. When I shut my phone off and let the music roll, I access a level of chillness that the rest of my ad- and commercial-message-saturated life doesn’t get.

High Drags (ahem, live music)

Year In Review: 2015 - High Drags

I praised High Drags a year ago. Still stands. Great songs. Favorite: “New War Games”

(Free on Soundcloud)

Engineering Mindset

We were talking about inbox flow.

“But see that’s flawed thinking. I don’t need that to come to me. When I need it, I’ll find it.”

I was promoting Unroll.me and defending my practice of keeping commercial subscriptions … stuff like deal-alerts from Bonobos.

“Yeah but sometimes an amazing deal comes through…” I protested.

“Doesn’t matter. If you don’t need it, it’s waste. Think like an engineer.“

And just like that I was convinced.

I’ve been eliminating wasted communication and alerts by unsubscribing from everything that is unnecessary, and in the process, steadily taking my attention and inbox real estate back.

Think like an engineer.

When I need something, I will go and get it.

I don’t need unsolicited stuff flowing to me.

(Free)

And the pruning spread …

Drastically Prune Accounts Followed

I’ve unfollowed hundreds if not +1,000 accounts on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter.

I don’t need, I can’t properly process, I won’t really be served by so much information.

Just say ‘No.’

Or better yet say ‘No more.’

(Free)

Minimize In-Between-Time

In NY, people take cabs and the subway. When I lived there, I made use of commuting time like everyone else because my mind wasn’t occupied driving. Texting and driving don’t mix. Subway riding and mobile use do.

But in LA (and elsewhere ex-NY), people drive. And the distances can be long, especially in LA. This creates in Jimmy’s life an abundance of In-Between-Time.

In-Between-Time is getting from waking up to work, and work to working out, and working out to the show — driving, showering, eating, waiting, etc. is all “between” the real stuff of life.

The game of Jimmy’s life is minimizing In-Between-Time.

Again, think like an engineer.

Reduce waste. Reduce In-Between-Time.

Minimize all stuff that isn’t most imporatnt.

(Free)

Stand Up Comedy: Sunday late nights at The Comedy Store and Comedians In Cars Getting Coffee

Year In Review: 2015 - Comedy Store
The Comedy Store in Hollywood.

I so appreciate comedians.

I couldn’t write my Year In Review: 2015 without mentioning them.

How on earth does a stand up comic have a 1-way conversation with a room full of people … for AN HOUR?

Sunday nights at The Comedy Store — not the main room, the small room upstairs at the back that you get to going up a flight of outdoor stairs from the back parking lot (orange arrow) — are where stand ups go to test their material in front of … other stand ups. It is brutal vulnerability and instant feedback to the extreme. I now know because Jimmy took me there. We were probably the only non-comics in the place.

Successful people get rapid feedback from people who are more willing to tell the truth than to be nice (or stroke your ego so you’ll like them). As painful as it is, that’s why the comics show up. To get the truth, the brutal truth. I haven’t yet braved the mic. Don’t know when I will, but I will.

I have tremendous respect for the craft. Yet again, another craft where the path to mastery is clear: test your material, test your material, test your material. For years. And after 10 years and 500 dingy shows, you might then knock it out of the park with a TV audience.

(Free, Sunday nights at The Comedy Store)

Once I left LA, I wanted more comedy. I got into Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee by Jerry Seinfeld and I love it. Two comedians being themselves … looking for, celebrating, ridiculing and exploring what it is to be a human.

I like comedy because successful comedians always add to the conversation and move the action forward. The act dies and they fail if they don’t. I value that. I want to learn the craft.

Episodes are 10-20 minutes. One episode at a time does wonders for the mind and heart. As of now, there are 7 seasons and 48 episodes.

(No longer free at ComediansInCarsGettingCoffee.com … coming soon to Netflix)

Many thanks, Jimmy. You think as a genius does, and my life is better for it. Now back to the Year In Review: 2015.

Removing Gmail from my phone via Eric Sharpe

Year In Review: 2015 - Gmail app in phone screen
That app is GONE.

Here’s the truth about my former email habits on mobile:

  • waste time
  • use as a crutch from engaging
  • use as a distraction/diversion from something else
  • mostly scan and worry about how soon I could get to a computer to actually handle the request in the email
  • provide pithy responses if I did reply

So basically …

My email responses on mobile were subpar at best and worthless at worst.

Hat tip to Eric for the initial analysis and his willingness to share all this at Camp Good Life Project.

Eric ran a computer repair shop in Savannah, Georgia and had a large team of freelances/contractors/interns handling IT consulting, graphic design, web design and all kinds of tech support for small businesses and entrepreneurs. Then, and even in his role now as Director of Marketing at an IT firm, he gets a lot of emails from people who need support and direction. AND he deleted the Gmail app?

I agreed with his analysis of his personal mobile email use and saw mine was the same.

I got rid of the Gmail app right then. And I moved the native email app to the last screen so I would only access it when I really needed to.

No regrets since.

I’ve trained people in my life to call or text with truly urgent requests. The rest goes to email which I handle when I’m in a real position to handle (i.e. sitting at a desktop with available attention).

The Gmail app allowed me to fill In-Between-Time with worthless busyness.

I’d scan my inbox for emails where I only needed to read the subject, highlight the message and delete it. I felt “productive” … staying “in the loop” and lowering the unread count on my inbox.

But it was a losing battle.

The “productivity” wasn’t central to my priorities. Was ALL unnecessary. Back to think like an engineer — why get emails where I only read the subject? A great signal to unsubscribe.

Having no Gmail app on my iPhone eliminates an avenue for a worthless distraction, making In-Between-Time more intolerable, giving positive pressure to reduce In-Between-Time and maximize Life Time.

Just delete it.

And then hide your native inbox app.

And turn off the display of unread emails.

And write about it in your next Year In Review.

(Free)

Swearing via myself

…under my breath that is. And sparingly.

In a research study, 71 undergrads in the UK were asked:

“to submerge their hands in freezing water for as long as they could bear it. One group was asked to repeat a swear word of their choice — one they might use if they banged their head accidentally, for instance — while their hands were in the water. The other group was asked to repeat a control word they might use to describe a table. Then, both groups repeated the task using the word they hadn’t previously tried. The researchers found that 73% of the participants kept their hands under water longer while swearing … lasting 31 seconds longer in the cold hand plunge” (TIME).

I’m NOT saying swear AT people.

What I’m saying is I think allowing the experience of anger and frustration to get voiced and released in a word is a better option than holding it in, unexpressed at best and suppressed at worst.

As I “let it go, let it goooo,” I’m more level headed when in contact with others and in situations that are stressful. In those moments, I manage only the stress of the situation and not the stress of my whole life because I already let the rest of it out.

Spare use is key to the pain-limiting effects of swearing.

More from TIME:

“Interestingly, however, the more frequently participants reported swearing during the course of their daily lives, the less effective cursing was at killing their pain and the shorter their endurance time in the cold water test.”

May not work for everyone.

Has been healthy for me.

(Free, more info here)

LDS Scripture Citation Index app via Josh Guest

Year In Review: 2015 - LDS Scripture Citation Index

(From swearing to studying the word of God … an unplanned juxtaposition.)

There’s no excuse anymore to begin your Sunday School comment by saying (or to tolerate others doing so), “I’m not sure who said it, but I remember reading a talk …”

Just. Look. It. Up.

The standard Gospel Library app has loads and then the Citation Index has tons more and makes validating and finding useful commentary very easy. It includes:

  • The Scriptures
  • All LDS General Conference talks from 1942 and on (I just dropped the f-bomb to myself as I kept typing 1042 on my phone instead of 1942)
  • The Journal of Discourses
  • Topical Index to the Journal of Discourses
  • Scriptural Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith

How the Citation Index app works:

Find the scripture you are reading/studying/discussing, and click on it in the app and BAM you get a list of EVERY instance that scripture got cited in the aforementioned sources.

It’s bomb.

Keep it open in Sunday School this week. My experience is 1000x when I use it.

(Free, on iTunes)

No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover via Nate Bagley

Year In Review: 2015 - No More Mr Nice Guy

(Specifically: eliminating covert contracts)

Eliminating covert contracts has relieved a lot of relationship tension and makes it easier to accomplish what I want.

Allow me to explain…

Growing up in a Christian home I learned The Golden Rule: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” I can still see my mother’s handwriting in Sharpie pen, having penned those words with their Biblical citation on a piece of shiny gold cardstock that ran the length of my family’s fridge, held in place with magnets at exactly my toddler eye level. It’s a fine phrase. And I agree with the spirit of it.

There’s an upgrade to The Golden Rule:

…do until others as they wish to be done unto.

(This variation eliminates assumptions and provokes conversation to find out what people care about … topics for another time.) The limitations of a not-yet-fully-developed child’s mind (we’ll take mine as an example) can produce a perversion of this principle:

I am to do unto others as I would have them do unto me. OK, if that’s the case … THEN it follows when I want something ‘done unto me,’ I should give/do/act that way toward others so I get it in return.

In time, two addenda developed in my young brain:

…doing unto others what I want done unto me IS how to get what I want.

And later, a further perversion of The Rule:

…AND it’s better to do that than to ask for what I want.

This misinterpretation of The Golden Rule and my misguided accompanying strategy for getting what I want are common among so-called Nice Guys in Dr. Glover’s paradigm. Read the book. I’ve been a “Nice Guy.” And there are not only limitations to being one, but unhealthy consequences to boot.

Back to covert contracts. Almost there …

From my misinterpretation and misguided strategy, I developed strategies:

  • to get attention, give attention rather than ask for attention
  • to receive service, serve instead of requesting service
  • to get support, falsely or disingenuously be supportive instead of asking for support
  • to get gifts, give gifts to avoid asking directly for gifts

And so on. Giving attention, serving, being supportive and giving gifts CAN all be great … IF done agenda-free and without attachment to reciprocity.

Doing those “good” things as a covert strategy to get what I wanted created problems, didn’t consistently work, and when it did, ultimately was unsatisfying.

If the thought process of a covered contract were spoken out loud, it would go something like this:

I’ll serve you … but I’m serving with a contractual expectation that you’ll serve me in return. I’m not even going to tell you I expect something, which is why this is a covert contract. And by the way, if you don’t eventually serve me, I’ll throw this back in your face.

Imagine being able to read someone’s mind and hear those words explain why they are being kind to you.

What would you think of that? What would you do?

Back to The Golden Rule…

I’m no moralist but I’m pretty sure Jesus didn’t give The Golden Rule with the preface, “here’s a pro tip on manipulating others to get what you want.” The healthiest way I’ve learned to get what you want is to be upfront and ask. Then work hard to get it or cause it to come to fruition. Asking is revealing. Revealing is vulnerable. So that’s what I do. I ask. Serving, giving, helping and encouraging with zero expectation of a return is awesome.

If you’ve interacted with me in the past year and knew me further back from that, maybe you’ve had the thought, “Nat doesn’t seem as cheery and nice as he used to…”

Well.

A lot of my nice-ness was a front.

I’m working on it. Stay tuned for life impact. So far, the impact is the satisfaction of a corrected and healthy relationship with myself. A foundation of that thing we call Integrity. (Free + your humility) By the way, this scratches the surface of what I am getting out of the book. I listened to it a second time in December. And I will again and again. ($9.99 on Amazon) Nate, thanks dawg, for the recommendation. Learn more good stuff from Nate inside Love School.

“Tomorrow!” via Cherie Romney

Replay this familiar scenario …

You’re at a social event. There are many new faces. You’ve arrived with excitement and anxiety, and the intention to meet someone new.

Throughout the event, you get introduced. You introduce yourself. You take in the faces. You evaluate who is who.

You wonder if you’ll click with anyone at all, and perhaps someone amazing.

And then you do.

You chat and talk and trade laughs and jump from topic to topic like familiar friends. It seems the planets aligned and every good thing that’s ever happened is happening right now.

“Wow! I’m SO glad I showed up,” you think.

The fun continues.

Then you notice the event winding down. There’s now a deadline. You sense the connection has run its course for the first encounter, but not to worry … you’ll connect again.

“Let’s get together!” you say, hoping your excitement is reciprocated.

“I’d like that!”

It was!

You continue…

“When works for you?”

“Ummmmm. Hold on, let me check my schedule … “

S/he pulls out his/her phone.

S/he reads an unread text … and replies.

S/he scans for the calendar app, gets a ping for a new email … and opens it.

Quick glance.

Now the calendar …

“Hang on, sorry, just checking something…” s/he says.

You can feel it.

The energy fading. The moment losing its luster.

“What’s happening?!” you think. “Such good convo for so long. I’m sure it was good for him/her too … now why such a shift as soon as we bust out our phones? Maybe s/he doesn’t really want to meet again.”

You tune back in.

S/he speaks.

“Ok ok ok. Wow. This week is bad. I’m traveling next week, then work is nuts … but I’m totally open the weekend after that.”

Back in your thoughts: “IN FOUR WEEKS?”

End of the drama.

Here’s the thing. Not every connection is important. But some are.

At the moment of planning the next rendezvous with a new acquaintance, an important something gets communicated in the words you both choose.

What gets communicated is one of two things:

You are important.

OR

My existing life is more important than you.

I used to say that very thing: “Let me check my schedule…”

And I did it ALL the time.

I had no idea what was carried in my words.

In saying, “Let me check my schedule,” what’s carried, intentionally or not, is the message: “My present life is more important than you. Let me see if I can fit you in.”

Dieter Uchtdorf threw down on this in 2012:

We even wear our busyness as a badge of honor, as though being busy, by itself, was an accomplishment or sign of a superior life.

Listen, for some connections and relationships this is fine to say, “Let me check my schedule.” Because some connections ARE less important than your overall existing life.

In the case of business, that might be “Hey, you are the exact supplier we want to work with, we’re on track to need your services in Q4. I’ll call you in August to set up an order.”

But when we’re talking about dating and major partnerships…

Expressing priority in word and deed is huge.

And so now I say (only if I AM interested of course):

“How about tomorrow?!”

EVEN IF I’m getting on a plane tomorrow morning and I KNOW that in the moment … I still say “how about tomorrow?!”

Think about it: if you also knew I was getting on a plane tomorrow and you really valued our connection, wouldn’t you like hearing the suggestion that we meet tomorrow anyway?

Saying so signals, “YOU, this … this new connection … this is priority right now.” And communicating priority status first is more important than landing on workable logistics, which can be handled second or third or at any later time.

Next time you’re in the beginning of something important, try it out: “How about tomorrow?!” Or even better, “What are you doing right now?” Let that land, then sort out the details.

(Free)

I could write an ENTIRE Year In Review with nothing but diamond tips from Cherie. More here.

So that’s it … my Year In Review: 2015!

A Toast to 2016

Having spent 2015 aligning time, attention, resources, work and environment toward priorities, my toast for 2016 is…

By continual alignment, the promise of fulfillment.

To your health, happiness and success,

Nat sig

P.S. Since you’re reading this you made it all the way thru a super long Year In Review, and I think that means you found something valuable, entertaining, useful or fun. I’d be so appreciative of you sharing that … in a comment, with a friend, by email or around on social media.

By |2021-05-06T16:58:42-06:00March 6th, 2016|General Life|2 Comments
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