Given in the Holladay 10th Ward
Dang, this is good.
And from 1916.
But to every mind there openeth,
A way, and way, and away,
A high soul climbs the highway,
And the low soul gropes the low,
And in between on the misty flats,
The rest drift to and fro.But to every man there openeth,
A high way and a low,
And every mind decideth,
The way his soul shall go.One ship sails East,
And another West,
By the self-same winds that blow,
’Tis the set of the sails
And not the gales,
That tells the way we go.Like the winds of the sea
Ella Wheeler Wilcox (1850-1919; found here)
Are the waves of time,
As we journey along through life,
’Tis the set of the soul,
That determines the goal,
And not the calm or the strife.
Everyone’s got dreams: things that have never been done or that are bigger than what can be done alone. A few notes to make stuff happen:
Be up to this thing until you have momentum. Momentum is the flywheel of force that makes it easier as time goes on for you to continue contributing to this thing you are up to. Momentum consists of habit and ritual you’ve created which draw you back into taking actions for the same thing. Progress is an evidence of momentum. Being up to something means you have something at stake. You are living for something.
Once you have momentum, share what you are up to with another human being. Traction is momentum that attracts. When people are really up to something, it’s attractive. People will ask questions, dive in, ask for more, make offers in the presence of what’s attractive. If they want more of it, you’ve got traction.
Invitations without a background of people getting what you are up to leaves them unable to answer for themselves … “what’s in it for them to be asking me?” People are suspicious. Aren’t you? Invitations made in advance of experiencing momentum, with an absence of attraction, fall flat. People have their own stuff they are up to. Why would they create lifeless busy work for themselves? After people witness you being up to something and experiencing the momentum of it, only then does an invitation to participate stand of shot of landing.
Regardless of response to invitations, keep going. Making things happen requires not being messed with by responses.
Why invite someone to do something you aren’t up to? If you won’t do it, if you aren’t doing it … why would they?
Often a prerequisite to [2] is Make a connection. Connect with another human being so they can paint a picture of what’s going on in their world; something to which you can relate. Give them a chance to say what they are up to. You may find they are up to nothing. Start with a no-stake, no-demand, no-request contact. When they experience that you are willing to look into their world, they then may be willing to hear you offer something from yours.
A friend posted: “I need some good topics for Sunday speakers. Hit me up with topics you have liked or would like to hear about.” Without any hesitation I banged out this list of ideas for LDS sacrament meeting talks.
A few of the immediate reactions:
“If I ever write a book, you’re picking the title.”
“Holy cow! Where did all these come from? Seriously the titles alone speak a sermon.”
“Nat holy cow. If you just came up with those that is mind blowing.”
Spice up your Sunday meetings with these starting points off the beaten path.
Would borrow from Forgiveness + Tribulation, a talk I gave fall 2019.
The Fifth Commandment enjoins: “Honor thy father and thy mother.”
Romans 3:23 says: “For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God.”
How can we, how do we, honor parents … when they have ALL fallen short—at best—and done real harm, at worst?
… for there is a God, and he hath created all things … both things to act and things to be acted upon … Wherefore, the Lord God gave unto man that he should act for himself.
2 Nephi 2:14-16
[M]en should be anxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of their own free will … For the power is in them, wherein they are agents unto themselves.
D&C 58:26-27
vs.
And let every man esteem his brother as himself … And again I say unto you, let every man esteem his brother as himself. For what man among you having twelve sons, and is no respecter of them, and they serve him obediently, and he saith unto the one: Be thou clothed in robes and sit thou here; and to the other: Be thou clothed in rags and sit thou there—and looketh upon his sons and saith I am just? Behold, this I have given unto you as a parable, and it is even as I am. I say unto you, be one; and if ye are not one ye are not mine.
D&C 38:24-27
And the glory which thou gavest me I have given them; that they may be one, even as we are one: I in them, and thou in me, that they may be made perfect in one.
John 17:22-23
I believe “time isn’t found, it is made” is a Henry B Eyring line. Need to verify.
There’s so much to unpack from these opening 8 lines.
(I don’t have kids. To someone who does, go for it.)
Pound the rock.
It’s in the footer of my website.
It’s in my email signature.
It’s the first phrase of three I have littered all over the internet. (The second and third being “Do good” and “Have a great time.”)
It’s the motto Gregg Popovich uses at the San Antonio Spurs. Their fan club is named after it. In fact, I’ve been told, it’s the only quote/motto/words-of-inspiration that appear anywhere inside the Spurs’ facilities.
This:
When nothing seems to help, I go and look at a stonecutter hammering away at his rock perhaps a hundred times without as much as a crack showing in it. Yet at the hundred and first blow it will split in two, and I know it was not that blow that did it, but all that had gone before. — Jacob Riis
A story designed to get us to believe “we too” can be as successful as the “overnight” success.
Well, we can.
But not overnight.
Because they didn’t get there overnight.
These stories, so it seems to me, often are told to sell “the overnight method.”
When we buy that method, we get burned. Expectations fall unfulfilled, and we don’t succeed overnight — because we need to pound the rock:
To pound out our weakness,
To pound in our dedication,
To pound out non-essentials,
To pound in our focus,
To pound out dead weight,
To pound in muscle memory.
I’ve long said the most important attribute for any marketing campaign is consistency. You can blog once a day or once a year. If you stick to your schedule, people will accomodate whatever pattern you establish … if you stick to it. What doesn’t work is rush then stop. Publish then quit. Launch then disappear, only to relaunch with flare and pizzaz in 6 months quickly followed by flame-out, just as before.
And see that all these things are done in wisdom and order; for it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength. And again, it is expedient that he should be diligent, that thereby he might win the prize; therefore, all things must be done in order (Mos 4:27).
This isn’t bad news.
Success isn’t in one-trick ponies or luck-of-the-draw rewards.
Success is in being adept at producing desirable results again and again, at will.
Success is in knowing “the wisdom and the order” of how things work, the present limits of your strength (your lactate threshold, for example).
Yes, part of success is arriving at the destination, a destination — of finishing or winning a race.
But grander elements of success are:
falling in love with getting there
knowing you can get there when you decide you want to
knowing what it takes to get there, how to command the elements and the circumstances to combine and align in getting you there
in other words, knowing how to get there again, on command … without assigning any piece of arrival to luck or chance
experiencing your personal capacity to do work every day, to conquer in the face of resistance, and to survive or even thrive in the face of calamity.
99 of 100 blows of the hammer end with the rock uncracked.
In a darker moment, the uncracked rock may seem to laugh or scorn.
“What are you doing? Does your work even count? You’re not strong enough. You have the wrong tools. You can’t do this. You’re not making a difference at all. What a waste. Now this, what you’re doing, this is insanity!! You keep swinging, expecting me to crack. I’ll never crack. The outcome is the same. And always will be. Move on … move on to easier ground.”
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, seeing no results, and expecting a different outcome.
Yet that definition is insufficient.
There are some tasks that are … a pound-the-rock scenario. A scenario where it just does take 99 repeated blows of no-difference-at-all results, which, when followed by the 100th WHAM! everything changes.
It may seem just one blow counted. One blow must have been different from the others. But no … all 99 changed the structure, strength and integrity of the rock until on the 100th it cracked. All 99 up to that point took mental grit and steadfastness and belief that the work was worth it.
I’m not “gifted” or a “natural.”
I don’t have lean thighs.
My VO2 max, when I’m not fully trained, is super average.
My calves are huge, the extra weight doesn’t help.
My calves also don’t connect high on my leg, so their biomechanical leverage is . . . average.
My knees rotate out and my tibia & fibula bow in to compensate, so some force from every step gets wasted in non-vertical, non-forward vectors.
My early years of swimming made my ankles super flexible, and early years of gymnastics trained them to act like absorbers; but great runners have stiffer ankles, trained to act like springs.
1:42:09 (7:47/mi) — 2008
1:40:26 (7:40/mi) — 2014
1:28:27 (6:45/mi) — 2015
1:24:35 (6:27/mi) — 2017
There’s nothing special about me.
Sure, I’m learning better form. As I pound the rock.
Sure, I’m in overall better shape … because I pound the rock.
Sure, I’m more flexible and less prone to injury … because I pound the rock (and rollll out, thanks TriggerPoint!).
Sure, I have better run gear and better workout routines … because I pound the rock.
I just pound the rock.
And anyone can pound the rock.
“In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground” (Gen 3:19).
“Whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap” (Gal 6:7-8).
Mastery thru repetition.
Affinity through consistency.
Results from no work are empty gains.
Dreams with no work are naught but wishes.
Gains from shortcuts are, eternally speaking, hollow.
Unearned upsides can be wonderful blessings and grace from heaven, but if converted in my mind and heart to expectations or views that “I don’t have to work because good things simply come my way” or “I will succeed because I am deserving of success” … those attitudes diminish my soul and others’.
Which brings me to another reminder baked into those three words:
To touch base, to make contact with, The Rock … every day. That rock being the “lowercase” rock of revelation and the “uppercase” Rock of Revelation who is Jesus Christ.
To meekly remember I am able from the gift of choice.
To meekly remember I am forgiven and cleansed from His gift of mercy.
To meekly remember I am empowered beyond my natural strength by His gift of grace.
So . . . I pound the rock.
If the mere mention of Ask a Mormon Sex Therapist in my bio hasn’t prompted you to listen, maybe these selections on metabolizing anxiety will.
Btw, these interviews are all Q&A based — usually two Qs per episode, this one has three. To get the backdrop on this metabolizing anxiety conversation, jump to the start of the third question and Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife’s answer at @ 22:00.
What follows are loose transcripts from the episode. I cut “you knows,” “I thinks,” and so on, and added content (in parentheses) that I believe accurately connects allusions to previously mentioned ideas so that it’s easier for you to follow the excerpts.
To tolerate the discomfort of another’s discomfort is part of what it is to actually give people the space that they need to really grow, and to manage your own anxiety.
If you’re going to actually grow, you have to metabolize more anxiety within yourself and not use the people around you to manage what is your work, or what is your job, or what is your responsibility.
What is of virtue is to take 100% responsibility for exactly what your responsibility is — in a marriage, or in a family, or in any group — and 0% responsibility for what isn’t your responsibility.
That sounds very selfish, but that’s actually one of the most virtuous things you can do: to really do what your job is in any situation.
It also frees up other people to grow in the ways that they need to grow.
When we get in trouble is when we rush in to kind of get anxiety to go down in the moment, but then we stabilize and mature our destructive patterns.
The virtue in creating goodness is tolerating difficulty up front. That’s what sacrifice is: you take your difficulty up front to create something better ultimately.
It’s against our human nature (to do that, to sacrifice, to tolerate difficulty up front) — it’s natural man to not to do it (to avoid difficulty up front, escaping to an easier path). But what creates goodness and godliness is doing that (tolerating difficulty now).
It’s when you’re having a hard conversation, and they’re pushing on those buttons on you that you like to react to, that you get all self-righteous about.
Instead of getting self-righteous and reacting, you calm yourself down and you stay constructive. That’s what I’m talking about in the “real time”: that you don’t (use) your losing strategies, which are the reactive things we do that feel good in the moment but that keep suffering alive.
You have to really track what it is you do (habitually) so that you can push yourself to do the better thing in the face of a lot of pressure to do the thing that’s familiar. (Catching yourself before you do the familiar thing) is what development is all about.
When you step into new action, or action that’s driven by a sense of what you believe is right, even if it’s hard, you literally expand your capacity as a person, and you expand your sense of self.
Many of us prefer to kind of just do and deal with the (familiar) things that (have, in the past, managed to get us) validation from the other person, and so we constrict our relationships (to doing just those things, even if they are losing strategies that perpetuate suffering) to our detriment.
We have to work against that natural-man tendency.
Ask A Mormon Sex Therapist is a sub series of the Rational Faiths podcast.
Have a listen.
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Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife
In mid 2016, I read a book by Neal A Maxwell. Shortly after, I embarked on listening to his entire BYU Speeches archive, in chronological order.
I listened to many of these talks while making the long drive from Salt Lake to Heber City. At the time I was seeing someone who lived in Heber, and each time we made plans to get together I looked forward as much to her company as I did to the drive from my home in Millcreek, up Parley’s Canyon, past Park City and back down into the neighboring valley — my quiet, private time with Neal. The drive being an hour each way, I listened to one talk there and another on the way home.
In 2017, I started listening to the entire archive of his General Conference talks.
His perspectives certainly colored this piece I wrote, where I included just one of his golden nuggets.
I thought I’d put together all the speeches and talks of this man who seemed so well to maintain proper perspective for all life’s experience. For as he once said, “This world is not the one we are preparing for.”
The first book I read was We Will Prove Them Herewith. I think it’s out of print, but you can find it on Amazon.
Will update this with all of his Ensign articles, books, etc. I have a book that isn’t on the Wikipedia books list, so I think it will take some work.
I also recommend his biography, A Disciple’s Life: The Biography of Neal A Maxwell, which I finished fall 2017.
b. Jul. 6, 1926
1970 – Appointed Commissioner of Church Education
1970 – Feb. 23 – Spiritual Ecology – BYU/CES
1971 – Oct. 23 – Mormon Milieu – BYU/CES
1972 – A Time to Choose – Deseret Book
1972 – Apr. 27 – Freedom: A “Hard Doctrine” – BYU/CES
1974 – Jan. 15 – Family Perspectives – BYU/CES
1974 – Apr. 6 – Called as Assistant to the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles
1974 – Apr. – Response to a Call – LDS General Conference
1974 – Sep. 1 – But for a Small Moment – BYU/CES
1974 – Oct. – Why Not Now? – LDS General Conference
1975 – Apr. – The Man of Christ – LDS General Conference
1976 – Jan. 4 – Taking up the Cross – BYU/CES
1976 – Apr. – “Jesus of Nazareth, Savior and King” – LDS General Conference
1976 – Oct. 1 – Called to the Presidency of the First Quorum of the Seventy
1976 – Oct. – Notwithstanding My Weakness – LDS General Conference
1976 – Oct. 26 – Insights from My Life – BYU/CES
1977 – Nov. 8 – All Hell Is Moved – BYU/CES
1978 – Feb. – The Gospel Gives Answers to Life’s Problems – Ensign/Liahona
1978 – Apr. – The Women of God – LDS General Conference
1978 – Oct. 10 – Meeting the Challenges of Today – BYU/CES
1979 – Nov. 27 – Patience – BYU/CES
1980 – Apr. 21 – In This Time of Complexity and Challenge – BYU/CES
1980 – Oct. – The Net Gathers of Every Kind – LDS General Conference
1980 – Oct. 7 – True Believers in Christ – BYU/CES
1981 – Jul. 23 – Called to the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles
1981 – Sep. 15 – Grounded, Rooted, Established, and Settled (Ephesians 3:17, 1 Peter 5:10) – BYU/CES
1981 – Oct. – “O, Divine Redeemer” – LDS General Conference
1982 – Apr. – “A Brother Offended” – LDS General Conference
1982 – Sep. 5 – Meekly Drenched in Destiny – BYU/CES
1982 – Oct. – “Be of Good Cheer” – LDS General Conference
1983 – Feb. 18 – Try the Virtue of the Word of God – BYU/CES
1983 – Apr. – “Shine As Lights in the World” – LDS General Conference
1983 – Oct. – Joseph, the Seer – LDS General Conference
1984 – Apr. – The Great Plan of the Eternal God – LDS General Conference
1984 – Oct. – “Out of Obscurity” – LDS General Conference
1984 – Dec. 4 – If Thou Endure Well – BYU/CES
1985 – Apr. – “Willing to Submit” – LDS General Conference
1985 – Oct. – Premortality, a Glorious Reality – LDS General Conference
1986 – Feb. 7 – Good and Evil Spoken of Among All People – BYU Management Society
1986 – Mar. 30 – Joseph Smith: “A Choice Seer” – BYU/CES
1986 – Apr. – “Called and Prepared from the Foundation of the World” – LDS General Conference
1986 – Oct. – “God Will Yet Reveal” – LDS General Conference
1986 – Oct. 11 – Great Answers to the Great Question – BYU/CES
1986 – Oct. 21 – “Meek and Lowly” – BYU/CES
1987 – Apr. – “Overcome … Even As I Also Overcame” – LDS General Conference
1987 – Oct. – “Yet Thou Art There” – LDS General Conference
1988 – Apr. – “For I Will Lead You Along” – LDS General Conference
1988 – Oct. – “Answer Me” – LDS General Conference
1989 – Mar. 26 – “A Wonderful Flood of Light” – BYU/CES
1989 – Apr. – Irony: The Crust on the Bread of Adversity – LDS General Conference
1989 – Oct. – “Murmur Not” – LDS General Conference
1990 – Feb. 4 – The Children of Christ – BYU/CES
1990 – Apr. – “Endure It Well” – LDS General Conference
1990 – Oct. – Put Off the Natural Man, and Come Off Conqueror – LDS General Conference
1991 – Mar. 31 – “In Him All Things Hold Together” – BYU/CES
1991 – Apr. – “Lest Ye Be Wearied and Faint in Your Minds” – LDS General Conference
1991 – Sep. 27 – On Consecration, Scholarship, and the Defense of the Kingdom (pp 12-21 in the PDF, printed as pages x-xix) – FARMS
1991 – Oct. – Repentance – LDS General Conference
1992 – Apr. – “My Servant Joseph” – LDS General Conference
1992 – Aug. 18 – The Inexhaustible Gospel – BYU/CES
1992 – Oct. – “Settle This in Your Hearts” – LDS General Conference
1993 – Apr. – “Behold, the Enemy Is Combined” (D&C 38:12) – LDS General Conference
1993 – Jul. 4 – Provo 1993 Freedom Festival Fireside – BYU/CES
1993 – Aug. 25 – Wisdom and Order – BYU/CES
1993 – Aug. 26 – Out of the Best Faculty – BYU/CES
1993 – Oct. – “From the Beginning” – LDS General Conference
1994 – Mar. 27 – “Called to Serve” – BYU/CES
1994 – Apr. – “Take Especial Care of Your Family” – LDS General Conference
1994 – Oct. – “Brightness of Hope” – LDS General Conference
1995 – Apr. – “Deny Yourselves of All Ungodliness” – LDS General Conference
1995 – Oct. – “Swallowed Up in the Will of the Father” – LDS General Conference
1996 – Jan. 23 – “Brim with Joy” – BYU/CES
1996 – Apr. – “Becometh As a Child” – LDS General Conference
1996 – Oct. – “According to the Desire of [Our] Hearts” – LDS General Conference
1997 – Apr. – “From Whom All Blessings Flow” – LDS General Conference
1997 – Oct. – “Apply the Atoning Blood of Christ” – LDS General Conference
1998 – Jan. 4 – The Pathway of Discipleship – BYU/CES
1998 – Apr. – “Put Your Shoulder to the Wheel” – LDS General Conference
1998 – Oct. – Hope through the Atonement of Jesus Christ – LDS General Conference
1999 – Jan. 12 – Sharing Insights from My Life – BYU/CES
1999 – Apr. – “Repent of [Our] Selfishness” (D&C 56:8) – LDS General Conference
1999 – Oct. – Lessons from Laman and Lemuel – LDS General Conference
2000 – Feb. – Jesus, the Perfect Mentor – BYU/CES
2000 – Apr. – Content with the Things Allotted unto Us – LDS General Conference
2000 – Oct. – The Tugs and Pulls of the World – LDS General Conference
2001 – Apr. – “Plow in Hope” – LDS General Conference
2001 – Oct. – The Seventh Commandment:A Shield – LDS General Conference
2002 – Apr. – Consecrate Thy Performance – LDS General Conference
2002 – Oct. – Encircled in the Arms of His Love – LDS General Conference
2003 – Apr. – Care for the Life of the Soul – LDS General Conference
2003 – Oct. – How Choice a Seer! – LDS General Conference
2004 – Mar. 16 – “Free to Choose” – BYU/CES
2004 – Mar 19 – Blending Research and Revelation – adaptation of remarks made at BYU President’s Leadership Council Meetings
2004 – Apr. – Remember How Merciful the Lord Hath Been – LDS General Conference
d. July 21, 2004
Sources:
BYU Speeches by Neal A Maxwell
LDS General Conference Archive of Neal A Maxwell
Maxwell Bibliography. An on-going project by Tyler Snow. Elder Maxwell’s lifetime cited works, grouped into Books, JD, HC and CHC, and then sorted by frequency of citations.
From “A” to “Z”: A is for Alliteration, Z is for Zion. By Don Duncan. 1997. (Working on converting this to a spreadsheet format.)
I don’t know what you’ve been up to, but I’m sure it’s good and I can’t wait to find out. I’ve been working on this thing I’m calling The Pillars of Our Partnership. I’d give anything for a window into your world, if even for only an hour. Here’s a little window into mine.
The other day I was telling Nate, you know, my buddy who started The Loveumentary — the podcast where he’s interviewed hundreds of couples and relationship experts like Gary Chapman who invented the 5 Love Languages — yeah, that guy. I was telling Nate I think he needs an anthem.
Not a song (are all anthems songs?) but like a creed.
(Brian, from Boston, said, “yo! a manifesto!”)
A statement of values, the pillars he is gonna preach and that he can build a community around. Something that people listening to Loveumentary episodes, and who might show up to one of his events or a conference or a meetup or join a Loveumentary Facebook group, could all point to as the foundation of what they are working on in their relationships, and a set of ideals they can use when offering support to each other. In Seth Godin language, it’s the “people like us do stuff like this” situation. For Nate, “things like this” hasn’t been codified (yet).
So I suggested he do that.
Before I share what I’ve got, a few obvious things:
It’s about partnership, and until you and I actually start working on our partnership, all this counts as preparation.
And preparing for a thing isn’t the same as doing the thing.
What’s below are my words. I know I’ve come a long way in learning and practicing the fundamentals of partnership, so I believe in my contribution, but that’s just it. It’s my contribution and I’m awaiting yours to round out this super rough draft.
I know you’ve got so much to contribute that’s unique and powerful. What you’re doing right now, what you’re learning . . . ah, I can’t even imagine how much awesome you have to contribute. Your perspective will deeply impact my understanding of partnership, as well as my performance of actually being your partner.
Just as preparing for a thing isn’t the same as doing the thing, knowing enough about something I’m striving for to write a handful of paragraphs about it doesn’t mean I’ve come anywhere near mastering the practice of it. Working with and toward the ideal of these pillars is something we’ll do together. I imagine that even if starting in a “maximally prepared” state (I read all the books! Listened to all the podcasts! Went to ALL the seminars!), actually being in a partnership will be incredibly challenging, shaping, stretching and growth-inducing. (Those are positively sounding words for HARD, incredibly frustrating and at times SUPER challenging.)
So yeah . . . this is my first cut and I eagerly await your input to get us to draft 1.
From there, every year and month and day we’ll get to revise and refine.
Choice: people get to choose and we not only tolerate choice, we celebrate and embrace it . . . man, this is the first one and I’ve already re-written it several times. There are SO MANY THINGS that go into what all I mean by “choice” and how important it is. Our words and actions allow for others to choose. Every moment is a surprise because in humility we cannot predict and should not judge what others will do, and even when we do predict and predict correctly, we don’t arrogantly assume our prediction had anything to do with the outcome. Like I said, there’s a lot here. I could really use your help boiling down my thoughts. God’s ultimate gift to us is power to choose; we choose, circumstances and other people don’t choose for us no matter how much it seems the contrary, and we’re responsible for our choices.
Responsibility: directly following choice . . . because people choose, they and they alone are responsible for their choices and the following consequences. If this has a boundary where it’s no longer the case or becomes conditional, I don’t know where that is yet. This makes a lot of people uncomfortable. I feel uncomfortable at times. Especially nowadays when people love to blame life’s circumstances on “the system” or “the man” or some external object. Yikes. Ah . . . so much to say!
Here’s another thing on my mind in this realm: expectations! Expectations are like choices we try to make for other people. They represent, among many things, made up rules we think everyone knows and has agreed to, even when they haven’t.
Example close to us and what we may face as we date: “If you really wanted to be a good boyfriend, THEN you would _____.” SAYS WHO? I mean, maybe. But is there a DEFINITIVE manual on being a good boyfriend? No! So if you WANT me to ____, ASK me. If you don’t ask . . . I may . . . but I also may not! It may not be something I’m even thinking about . . . so if you want to be sure it happens, and you’re thinking about it, then ask me! Then I can choose to say Yes or No. And then I’ll be responsible for it, truly, because I have chosen.
Wow, there’s so much in here about boundaries of responsibility to unpack, but for now I’ll say: no circumstance can force choice upon a person, all choices are ours, therefore all results are ours.
OK OK OK some more here too . . . when it comes to development and personal needs, it’s my job to find out what I need to learn, it’s my job to then learn what I need to learn, it’s my job to seek mentors and teachers, it’s my job to learn and develop; it’s my job to be healthy, it’s my job to be fulfilled, it’s my job to discover what I like and what nurtures me and then do the work to obtain those things; it’s my job to ‘discover’ and decide what’s important to me — my values; it’s my job to declare for myself that “I am enough.” It’s no one else’s job to do any of those things for me. The same is true for you. Can I ask for help? Absolutely. I look forward to yours. Can you ask me for help with those things? Absolutely, I want you to.
Communication: pretty inescapable from the above on responsibility. Communication is . . . using words to express yourself as accurately as you can — yourself, meaning mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually; all the aspects of you.
Communication is using the words “will you” for requests (see my unfinished rant on people saying “Do you want to ____?” as an imperative or invitation). In response to people’s requests, communication is using the words “Yes,” “No,” or “No, and here’s my counter offer.” Communication is verbally expressing wants and desires, and then for the ones you want right now actually making the request (Will you…?) beyond the statement of desire.
Communication is transforming all internally held desires/hopes/expectations into words. Communication is not ever putting someone else in a position to mind-read their way to connecting/helping/working with/serving/loving you. Communication is not attempting to mind read, but is instead asking questions to let the person you are interested in hearing from speak the truth from their own mouth rather than getting answers from your imagination.
Communication is knowing you can only hold people to the promises they have actually made with speech and signatures (that sounds like responsibility and choice too).
Communication is acknowledging fulfilled promises and healthy behaviors; I think that’s a not-yet-complete functional definition of gratitude.
Communication is: owning and stating your stake in the ground, what’s important to you, what you value, the thoughts and intents of your heart, and taking the responsibility to let the world know what you’ve chosen in those realms.
With all that in the background . . .
Here’s my start at:
Not a stock photo — snapped this at Yale. Inside there are memorials for every student who has ever served and died in the U.S. Armed Forces. I was moved.
Because we believe that all performance is elevated and enhanced when done with the support of a dedicated partner. Even if the ‘act’ is solo (such as running a race or giving a speech or performing a piece of music) . . . a human preparing/practicing/living/acting without a dedicated partner will always, in the long run, underperform a human acting with the support of a dedicated partner.
What do I mean by dedicated?
Tennis star + coach > tennis star + coach(*0)
A coach could be called a partner. But a coach isn’t a dedicated partner. A coach is a partner for the activity they coach. A dedicated partner is a partner for all things.
This ‘math’ is our belief.
And it’s not performance alone that’s elevated and enhanced, but experience too.
Shared sorrow is half sorrow.
Shared joy is double joy.
Remember in Into The Wild when Alex Super Tramp writes “happiness only real when shared”? Yeah. All experience of that sort happens in the space between the Self and another.
And on.
Priority: Partnership is a relationship that comes first. When I can respond to several people, I respond to you first. When I choose to allocate my time to several opportunities, I allocate time for us first. Regardless of circumstance or proportion and in all cases of competing choices, consideration goes to our partnership first.
Striving: I am a human. You are a human. I live and act imperfectly. Even when my intent is thoroughly pure, my actions will fall short and be laced with imperfection. The measuring stick, therefore, is not result or absolute ability. What counts is striving, putting forth effort that matches the bounds of present ability, accompanied with a willing heart that were it immortal and perfect would perform perfectly. Jesus asked if anyone had any fishes and loaves. He didn’t complain when the numbers were few. They gave what they had, and He made that work. Likewise, I give what I have and you make that work. You give what you have and I make that work. Together, we give grace to each other for our imperfect humanity.
Belief: Ready for this?
This is the ever presence and victory of belief (over fear and doubt). We give each other the benefit of the doubt. We assume first and always that the other has and is acting with the best intent — even when it seems and feels there’s ill will or intent to do harm. We assume positive will because we believe in each other’s goodness.
Believing in goodness also means believing you always have something to contribute and teach, while believing the other has something to contribute and teach you. Belief is believing in value.
Belief includes courage, and when I say, “you are enough,” you believe it, you believe that for me it really is enough and because I haven’t said so, I truly am not expecting more.
Equality: I hold myself to the same standards to which I hold you. Every agreement is a two-way street. Everything we ask for is also something we are willing to give. What applies to me, applies just the same to you.
Service . . . and Acceptance of Service: This is a pillar to love AND be loved. It’s not enough to give. Sometimes giving is easy. Service here is also to receive it. Sometimes, it is hard to receive help and support.
I look for ways to serve you, you look for ways to serve me.
You look for ways to ask me to serve you, I look for ways to ask you to serve me.
We both ask for help and support and service from the other. Especially in areas where we know the other may be lacking competence, comfort and confidence.
Because I know you embrace my meager, imperfect offerings of service, I look forward to you asking me to do things I’m no good at doing, but that will make the world of difference for you and for us. This is one way I really show my love and demonstrate Priority. Likewise, I look forward to asking for your help with things I know will be hard for you or that you may not enjoy, but you’ll strive (just as I strive) to serve because you, like me (equality), put us first (priority), being more willing to serve our partnership and be possibly embarrassed or frustrated, than tickle those insecurities and withdraw from growing our union.
Togetherness: We do all things together. See above re: how this holds even for solo performances.
You still have your victories, I still have mine. You are still responsible for your choices, as I am responsible for mine.
And yet we embrace an element of togetherness in all things.
We invite and value and recognize an element of shared victory. Of contributing service that enhanced the outcome. Of a material impact worthy of acknowledgement and commendation.
We don’t have boundaries about “my things” and “your things.” There’s always some shred of sharing and togetherness. If it isn’t obvious, or if it’s tempting to do solo and to push the other away, we resist that urge and look for and invent some way to do all things together.
Why? Because at least tangential involvement is always possible, and because of complementariness: my strengths support your weaknesses, my weaknesses are supported by your strengths. Complementary support IS how we grow together. And that’s what we’re committed to as partners: growing, excelling, experiencing . . . together.
Are we attached at the hip? No. Do we text each other every hour of the day? No. Do we relay every thing that happened to each other every day? No. Must we like the same things? No. Must we always travel together? No. Is asking for space ok? Yes, with a definite time limit of when we’ll reconnect.
All experiences are OPPORTUNITIES to grow individually and they are LEARNING experiences in how to come closer together, more fully knowing each other, operating together and fulfilling … partnership.
Forgiving: I see two kinds here.
One is forgiving in response to misperception: seeing that our experience of hurt follows our mistakingly and temporarily believing the other’s intent was for harm or driven by ill will. To come around and believe there was no ill intent and our hurt was not desired is to forgive. It’s not so much forgiving me as I didn’t intend to harm, but it’s forgiving yourself and our mutual imperfect communication that led to your misunderstanding. This again is a humble acknowledgment and an embrace of our common humanity, and it is where leaning on the Lord is so helpful. I didn’t mean for you to feel hurt. Yet, you felt hurt. It’s OK, because He felt that hurt. He can take the hurt. I didn’t want you to have the hurt. But now you’ve got it. Give it to Him. You can be whole.
The second kind is forgiving in response to actual ill will or intent to harm. I pray these situations between us will be few and far between. Ideally, never. To not include forgiving as a pillar would condition partnership on perfection. Perfection is unattainable in this mortal sphere. The moments we stand on this part of this pillar will hurt the most.
But the Lord has healed me and He has healed you. We can be made whole again and again and again.
Vulnerability: Vulnerability is a particular type of communication. It’s communication where you and I share and express all our thoughts and feelings, even the ugly ones.
There is a boundary here which is “dumping.” That’s vomiting all the nasty, which is sharing all that with no commitment for healing, improvement, forgiveness, etc. That’s not vulnerability. That twisted “vulnerability” is a form of dominating and emotional manipulation.
As Brené Brown says:
“Real authenticity actually requires major self-monitoring and isn’t . . . [communication with] the lack of self-monitoring.”
Healthy vulnerability, what I’m talking about, is that anything could be shared. There’s a willingness to share anything, and what actually gets shared is the complete truth of what’s relevant. (What’s relevant? Hmmmm . . . )
Vulnerability, in both directions is knowing it’s OK to be fully transparent because sometimes thoughts and feelings are just passing by and temporary . . . and hanging on to them and not sharing them has a way of keeping them around longer and allowing them to do more harm. So we share them, to be honest about how we feel and where we’re at in the moment. And (together) we work through them so they soften and then lose their grip.
It’s OK to share because I can stack up what you’re thinking and feeling in the moment as an experience you’re really having and not as something you’re committed to forever. And likewise, you won’t hold anything I ever share over my head, especially the stuff that I’m passing through. How can I say this better? Maybe we can borrow straight up from Neal A. Maxwell and Joseph Smith:
“Our light speeches from time to time, have nothing to do with the fixed principles of our hearts” said Joseph Smith. Should we not distinguish between the utterances of the moment and considered opinions? Do not all of us wish for that same understanding on the part of our friends, hoping they, “with the breath of kindness,” will “blow the chaff away”? (NAM, Mar 1986)
More . . . some of this came out in the section on service: vulnerability is asking for things that seem and feel hard to ask for . . . help where it feels embarrassing you can’t do it alone, desires that seem dark or weird or unconventional, challenges you’d rather me not know that you have.
Vulnerability is sharing the “darkness” within. Our inner demons. Our naughty thoughts. Our carnal natures. We all have light, and darkness. Vulnerability is letting down all propriety in each other’s company. It’s OK to be 100% you, even all the things you’ve ever thought were never OK about yourself.
Everything that’s there is you, and all that makes up the you that you are that I love. Therefore, it’s OK to share.
What else?
Vulnerability is also this: I can be strong for everyone in the world, but you are the one person where it’s OK for me to expose myself completely . . . I don’t always have to be strong for you. I will be strong. I will be strong with you and for you. But in my weakest moments, it’s OK to bare my all and be completely weak and exposed. It’s OK to have moments of powerlessness with you, moments where you have total advantage over me. And it’s OK because you’ll love me still. And I’ll love you still. And you won’t take advantage of me. And I won’t take advantage of you. And we won’t abuse the privilege of seeing the other in our weakest, most exposed positions.
I am a man. I’m supposed to be strong . . . and with you, just you, my partner, it’s OK in those moments if I’m not strong. While I’m strong for everyone else, you are the one person who gets to be strong for me.
Unconditionality: We live and choose and speak and love and act on these pillars. No. Matter. What. Nothing you do earns my fulfillment of my promises. Nothing I do causes me to deserve your fulfillment of your promises. We each, independent of the other, at all times and in all things, choose to strive to fulfill our promise in the partnership.
# # #
Whew.
If being an entrepreneur has been a rollercoaster, then I imagine we’re in for the face-smashing, extreme-Gs of interstellar space travel. But tell you what, and this is probably obvious, I’m up for it. Not looking for an ordinary-tier partnership. I want and am working and will work for what’s extraordinary.
So, there they are for now: nine Pillars of Our Partnership.
Nine though? Don’t like the number. Would rather there be 8 or 10 or 12. I bet you’ll point out some biggies I left out. We’ll get there.
I’m so . . . just brimming and teeming with anticipation for you and what you’ll add.
When you get this, will you holler?
Onward and upward,
P.S. also toying with mottos, crests, etc. “Truth and Kindness, in Deed and Word.” <== What do you think? (what led to this: strive to be kind, but never demote the truth. Words are powerful, but greater sermons are preached in action.)
P.P.S. [Nov 15] Had this thought . . . conflict and negotiation gotta go somewhere, right? Are they pillars? I don’t know . . . conflict is inevitable, you and I will never be 100% on the same page and that’s a good thing because it means we’re both continuing to have unique and meaningful contributions. We need each other. And when we’re not on the same exact page, that reality requires negotiation . . . which is communication that gets at how two people who want to choose differently will then choose to choose together . . . ok, so maybe there’s a second tier of pillars, things that combine pillars . . . communication + choice + togetherness ==> conflict; resolving conflict requires negotiation.
P.P.P.S. Guaranteed I will keep thinking of more facets; this chain of post-scripts will prolly get mighty long. Will work in those thoughts with you.
P.S.x4 [Nov 16] The word mindfulness belongs here. It’s laced in throughout already, but is so distinct it deserves to stand on its own, no? Perhaps as a pillar of living and there’s a version of it for partnership.[/fusion_builder_column][/fusion_builder_row][/fusion_builder_container]
I’m tired of lots of gospel words getting thrown around without precise definitions, so as an exercise for myself I’m laying out what I MEAN when I say . . .
And Faith would be one of those.
Faith is . . .
faith is deciding that a set of principles or positions are true and that you are going to live and abide and act as though they are true, when you have no factual reality/basis that they are, universally, for everyone, true
and it is going forward with that framework, believing in it, believing in yourself for having made it, believing in the source that makes it work (God), believing that come what may, you will weather it and the framework will still work and bring about the results you want
the belief is all there … and it’s living / speaking / choosing / acting in accordance with … that is the faith part
